The chips are still down for Chris Brown

I told you not to push the wrong buttons!

Charlie Sheen isn't the only celebrity missing a publicist. You can add Chris Brown to the list. It's been a rough year for Brown. Things went wrong for him a couple of Academy Awards ago. He and his then gal pal Rihanna were set to perform a duet number at the event. It was gonna be a big deal for them. Then pre Oscar nerves and anger issues got the better of Brown. While he and Rihanna were motoring around LA they had a disagreement; something about strange women leaving text messages on Brown phone. Next thing you knew Rihanna was wearing the steering wheel like a head band.

Normally that thing would've been hushed up. That's what publicists are for. However this time meddling members of the public got in the way. Witnesses to the altercation phoned the cops. Since Rihanna had taken the keys from the ignition and tossed them out the window - that's when Chris lost his shit - there was no way to blow the scene. When the authorities arrived Brown had fled the scene on foot, and they found Rihanna battered and bloodied. The police then went on to take Rihanna's statement and take a lot of crime scene photos that didn't do brown any good in the court of public opinion.

After that Brown was in the dog house. That's not when his PR rep quit. Brown still had a committed fan base who were leaving lots of Myspace and Facebook messages of support. So there was still the opportunity to do important work - like rebuilding his career by repairing his image. Chris would have to lay low for awhile. Then when everyone had calmed down a bit he could make some low key public apologies. The apologies are no problem. PR Reps can whip those up pretty quick, and may even have standard form letter type mea culpa on file and waiting just in case; just the way major newspapers have the obits for troubled celebs drawn up in advance and ready to role. It also helps to have an experienced person write these things up for you so that you'll sound like you know what you did wrong.

Everything was going off according to plan. Chris was even getting ready to release some stuff and do some public appearances. A few duets with established and respectable performers were lined up. That's so Chris could get back into the public's good graces on the coat tails of performers that they still liked. The manipulators were using every trick in the book and it looked like the plan might pay off too. Then Chris goes and pulls one of his patented boners.

The boner in question occurred shortly after a recent GMA interview. Chris was being interviewed by Robin Roberts. Now doubt all the ground work had been done in advance. The PR team had moved in with a pre selected set of questions - nothing awkward; and instruction to kid glove the interview. Then Robin went and did something that threw everything out of whack. She brought up Rihanna. That put Chris off his game. By the time he got back to his dressing room he had a full head of steam. So full in fact that he trashed the joint like he was Charlie Sheen entertaining a hooker in a hotel room. He tried to throw a chair through a window too, for good measure. When the creative temperament goes tilt, look out!

That little stunt seemed to be the last straw. It did get Chris a lot of publicity. People started talking about him like he was the bastard child of OJ Simpson by Mel Gibson or something. Only Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin were more publicly disliked. That's to say that though he might still have a future in politics, show business is looking bleak for him right now! Maybe he can find something on FOX News.

They say that there's no such thing as bad press. The trouble is that this kind of press was completely opposite tot he kind of press his hard working PR team had been trying to build up for him over the past year. You know, the whole "Chris Brown is not a monster" angle. Then in one impulsive outburst he threw that hard work down the drain. Since trying to help some one who isn't helping themselves is a waste, his rep Tammy Brook walked off the job in disgust.

So things don't look good for Chris right now. Getting your own PR rep is a right of passage for celebrities. It mark the acceptance into the 'community', the way confirmation does for Christians. They're the ones who show you the finer points of playing the game. They get rid of those personal problems the way a father confessor might help clear things up with God. So when your PR rep abandons you, it's like being excommunicated from the entertainment business. After that it's down hill no matter how bad you want to get back. You can still put yourself out there, but you're strictly D List. You career prospects are restricted to pitching reality TV shows based on fucking up, and possibly dating Kat Von D.

This is the position that poor Chris currently finds himself in. So for all of you who were worried that a woman beater might worm his way back into a successful entertainment career, relax. If you ever see this guy again it's gonna be on a double date with Michael Lohan, or on some reality TV spectacle like Dr Drew's Rehab. Perhaps he might hook up with Octomom!

That might be possible since Chris hasn't given up and is trying to say the right things, like "I got very emotional, and I wanna apologize for acting like that." So maybe he could play the bi polar angle. It could even be time for a drug abuse admission. Probelm is that without a PR rep to sell that, he's gonna have a hard time getting the media to take it seriously. He's like a tree falling in the forrest without anyone to run around to news outlets for him explaining that the tree has a problem which requires our understanding and sympathy. Look on the bright side Chris - the National Enquirer is gonna be following you for years to come!

Zsa Zsa Gabor wants to move up in class

For those unfamiliar with Zsa Zsa Gabor - except as a comedic characterture of an aging Hollywood actress, she was the Kim Kardashian of her day (She and her two sisters originated the Kardashian act). That means she was a characterture of a Hollywood sex symbol. That's kind of like being a female impersonator except you're a woman - anyone remember Victor/Victoria? To that end Zsa Zsa made a bunch of B movies that no one remembers, married and divorced alot of husbands - she was kind of in the alimony business, and guest starred on The Beverly Hillbillies a few times. So you can say that she's a sort of pop cultural icon. Like Susan Somer's Thigh Master commercials! About the only thing she didn't get around to was getting shot in the gob by Phil Spector!

Bed room farce antics aside, Zsa Zsa did live a rich and interesting life. She married Anna Nicole Smith's lover, and almost became Smith's adoptive mother. That was when Anna Nic tried to convince her lover, who is Zsa Zsa's husband - Prince von Arnolt, to legally adopt her. That way she could officially become a princess! Sounds flaky buts that how Arnolt inherited his princely title, and probably how the woman he screwed out of the title got it herself!

Even though this is a very European arrangement - in this case "European" differentiates from American in that there is no pretense to any kind of morality or decorum. It's a "we're consenting adults and know how the world works *wink wink*" deal - Zsa Zsa wasn't having any part of it. So she out the kibosh on the deal and Anna Nicole had to settle for a Texas oil billionaire, whom she quickly married and promptly buried.

Did I say bed room farce antics aside? Zsa Zsa did do something genuinely interesting. She slapped a LA traffic cop. The guy pulled Gabor over after he saw her car slowly serving all over the road. Seeing an elderly actress behind the wheel he must've assumed that she was having a botox induced stroke, or perhaps was buzzed out on a cocktail of powerful sedatives legally obtained from her many physicians. So he asked her if she needed assistance.

Zsa Zsa, who was allegedly drunk at the time, staggered forth from the vehicle and informed the good officer in a heavily slurred accent that she was a famous actress who's husband is a Prince, and that she has many powerful friends who could break the fellow like a match stick, so 'jump back Jack' Then she landed him a smack across the chops to make sure he got the point. When I say smack I mean that she hit him, not kissed him. A kiss from that grizzled old beak would've been so traumatic that the fellow would've had grounds for a law suit.

Now when your main claims to fame are based on a clownish B movie image and a bunch of ridiculous incidents, then you might have a real burning need to be taken more seriously. God knows Zsa Zsa will never be Helen Mirren, not now at her age; but I'm sure that she hasn't given up hope - God bless her soul. After all Helen Mirren wasn't really Helen Mirren until she got up in years. In her prime she did the roles Joan Collins turned down - & Joansie didn't turn down much of anything! The point is that a little respect would be nice, even if completely undeserved.

The recent passing of Jayne Russell and Elizabeth Taylor seem to have brought this point home to ailing Zsa Zsa. It seems that she's got it in her mind that celebs always go in 3's (they do: one dies naturally and the other 2 follow along for the attention!). Further more she's convinced that if she can make number three, then that will prove to the world that she just wasn't come over stuffed clown with an accent, but an actress of the highest caliber! With that in mind she has insisted on being rushed to the hospital!

Now the official story is that Zsa Zsa was at home fidgeting restlessly in front of the TV when she got the sad news about Taylor. Then, according to her publicist - who may have been standing near by with pen and pad in hand to record Gabor's words for posterity - Zsa yelps out "Oh, Jane Russell and Liz Taylor — I'm next." The publicist - John Blanchette doesn't go on to say whether or not anyone burst out in laughter.

Zsa Zsa took the whole deal very seriously though. She insisted on having her blood pressure taken. According to Blanchette it was "soaring". Not that you can make anything out of that since Gabor is high pressure at the best of times. Anyway it was enough to get her carted off to the hospital and put on unofficial death watch. As for the prognosis, Blanchette goes on to say that Gabor is a fighter, as one LAPD officer can attest to. Now I'm not sure how to take that remark. With Gabor that just might mean this is one casting call she's determined to make, even though it's only for the final curtain. That's fame for you - eventually it's being the stiff at your own funeral, and looking as life like as you ever did! Good luck Zsa Zsa!

By the way Zsa Zsa isn't the only one trying to horn in on the action. Westboro Baptist Church has announced plans to protest at Taylor's funeral. They take issue with Taylor's long time AIDS activism, which they call "enabling gays". So that makes them almost as flaky as Victoria Jackson! Plus they're looking to score some major publicity! No official word on the rumors that they're currently shopping around a reality TV premise based on their colorful "ministry".

Elizabeth Taylor Remembered

What can you say about one of Hollywood's legends, except here she is!



They don't make 'em like her anymore.

Michael Lohan Arrested for Felony Domestic Violence

Michael Lohan: Fame is an octagon

It's seems like trouble is the Lohan family business. On that score Lindsay seems to be the main bread winner with her frequent legal run ins and rehab stints. Papa Mikey is no slouch when it comes to rowdy hell raising himself. Mike has this problem which is that he occasionally likes to go ape shit on what ever woman is brain damaged enough to be dating him at the time. Like Kate Major. Kate was some kind of reporter or something with Star Magazine who got hooked up with and then dumped by Jon Gosselin. She rebounded on to Mike Lohan. I'd call that a case of sloppy seconds except that Major hasn't qualified as 'seconds' for many many helpings. She's more like that thing festering in tinfoil at the back of the refrigerator.

Anyhow they were getting along famously and Kate was saying Lohan was the great love of her life, just the way she was saying Jon Gosselin was the great love of her life. It's a lady's perogative to change her mind - so Kate might as well try it too. Things were going along hunky dory until some one got drunk, we're not sure who but it could have been both of them, and then the shit hit the fan. The story that trickled down to the public via twitter, the internet, and supermarket tabs, was that Mikey got home all liquored up and found Kate drunk and out cold in an arm chair. one thing lead to another as such situations often do and soon Kate was sprawled on the floor and the cops were on the way. This couldn't have happened at a worse time for Mikey since he only had 2 weeks left on his probation for some previous domestic assault type incident.

Some guys never win. In Mikey's case it's more like some guys never learn. That's because it appears lover boy has pulled another one of his patented shit for brains stunts. The details are so far sketchy, but it goes something like this:

"Mr. Lohan was arrested after we received a call around 9 p.m. regarding a domestic dispute. He was detained after he was spotted walking on the street near our station. He showed no signs of intoxication that I'm aware of and has been cooperative."

At least that's the version Lt. John Ratto gave People Magazine. Maybe Lt Latto is some kind of celebrity liaison officer. The slightly more detailed version as Lohan assaulting an unnamed victim. Lohan thens tarted complaining about an "unrelated medical condition" - I'm guessing chest pains. So he was rushed over to Cedars Sinai Hospital. He's currently laying low there while he contemplates his next move.

That next move better involve a way to raise a hughnomous wad of cash, 'cause this time the police are holding him on 200 000 bail. It's gonna be tough for Mikey to pull in those kind of funds since Lindsay is the oly one in the family with any kind of income. Her income is currently tied up in rehab bills and lawyers fees, stemming from her own particular brand of mayhem.

So look on the bright side - Japan may be about to go nuclear, the mid east may be dissolving in turmoil, Charlie Sheen is threatening to unleash violent torpedoes of truth on the nation in the form of a cross country stand up tour, and Donald Trump may be poised to run for office on a Sarah Palin presidential ticket; but at least Michael Lohan is off the streets and in some kind of supervised environment for an indefinite period of time. Every once in a blue moon the system works! There could even be an up side to this. Mikey might eventually earn his own living by pitching a reality TV concept where he fights other D List celebs! They could call the show Michael Lohan's Starwhackers! It'd beat American Idol to hell!

Firecrotch Redhanded

As for the second most troubled member of the Lohan clan, Lindsay is set to pull a Mel & plead no contest to her jewelry stealing charges. Her mother Dina emphasizes that o contest is not the same as guilty - it's completely different in the way that not guilty doesn't mean innocent. She then goes on to call LA a fucked up town - that's not news but saying it won't make her any friends, and talk about some imaginary film projects she's considering for her daughter.

Personally I'd recommend a few whacked out calls to Alex Jones (make sure to frequently mention starwhackers) followed by a Lindsay Lohan nation wide stand up tour. They could call it "Sticky Fingers", or if the Rolling Stones get pissed over that then maybe "Firecrotch Red Handed". Read about that over @ Zimbio!

Paris Hilton prosecutor busted in coke deal

Paris Hilton is a gal who gets in and out of trouble. Like Lindsay Lohan she usually gets away with it. Usually it's because she always lands on her feet. Sometimes one of her 9 lives comes in handy. Then there are those other occasions when her deal with darkness must be responsible. Like lately.

Paris has a fondness for the kind of party favours that you can't get at your local 5 & dime variety store - not unless there's a twitchy homeless guy standing right outside the door. These are the kind of party favours that can get you in a bit of trouble with the law. Trouble is what Paris got when she got nabbed with a significant amount of cocaine in a purse she later claimed wasn't hers - even though it had all her ID in it. Naturally Paris had to go off for another one of those smashing mugshots of hers. She was then set free to continue with her own special brand of celebrity mayhem!

As usual when Ms. Hilton is involved things can take strange and unexpected turns. Like in this case. Paris was tried for her hard partying ways by a Las Vegas prosecutor named David Charles Schubert, 47. In fact he's more than a prosecutor - he's a chief deputy DA. He's no stranger to publicity either since he also threw the book at Bruno Mars over his cocaine related misdoings. So he's had some previous experience with drug busts and the kind of bad PR they can bring. No previous experience could've prepared him for what was about to happen - though he really should've known.

Seems that Dave was out and about, on the street as it were, when he ran into an old acquaintance. Never one to breeze past one of the little people Dave stopped to pass the time of day. One thing lead to another and pretty soon the chief deputy DA was making a drug deal. By drug deal I mean that the dude was buying crack.

Now there's no shame in that. Chief Deputy DA is a rough job high on demands and with tons of pressure. You're only as good as your last win because those hungry jaws poised just above you on the food chain are expecting results and not excuses. So sometimes having something that gives you a little added edge - like Popeye with his spinach - makes everyone happy. Everyone except for the poor buggers who get sent to the klink!

It's a victimless crime and if no body sees it then no body gets mad. However in this case the aforementioned David Charles Schubert made a whopper of a mistake - he did let some one see him do it. The person who saw this dirty little deed go down was probably the worst person in the world to be standing near by when you're buying dope off of a street dealer - and that's and undercover cop! According to the Las Vegas Review Journal -

Schubert was arrested by a Las Vegas police patrol officer about 4:51 p.m. near Desert Inn Road and Maryland Parkway.

The patrol officer saw what he thought was a drug transaction and stopped Schubert's vehicle near Sierra Vista Drive and Cambridge Street, police said.

The result was that Schubert was whisked off to the very same facility that Hilton and Mars were taken to, and for much the same treatment: finger printing, mugshot, and I assume strip search followed by anal cavity exam. Officers of the court need to be held to higher standards so we don't want anyone thinking he got off easy by slipping something up his sleeve, or up anything else!

So far Schubert is being cooperative - a really aggressive anal cavity exam will to that to you. However that attitude is a little after that fact. Since he got caught red - or white -handed, the prosecutors are going at him. His boss DA David Roger is particularly disappointed. He expressed his disapproval in the following terms:

"It's disheartening to know the individual who I assigned to prosecute high-level drug cases is allegedly using rock cocaine. His future is bleak with the district attorney's office."

I haven't heard such strong language since the last time I brought home a report card! The fact that Schubert was named to a high level Las Vegas anti drug task force probably heightens the disappointment. No one wants to think about a fox guarding the hen house scenario!

Not everyone is appalled and disgusted with this so called law enforcement officials sleazy shenanigans. Schubert's erstwhile adversary - the Red Baron to his Snoopy - has spoken out in support of the disgraced, and by now tweaking like crazy, prosecutor. David Chesnoff is a hi profile Vegas attorney who's crossed words with Schubert in both the Hilton and Mars cases. Chesnoff had this to say about his fallen adversary!

"I'm a big believer in the Constitution. I believe everyone is innocent until proven guilty. And I always root for the underdog. I will say this: David's always been a real professional and always treated me with respect, so I wish him the best."

Well there you go - trouble comes when you least suspect it and you find friends where you never thought to look. That ought'a do as a moral to this sad and sorry cautionary tale. That is unless you wanna make something out of it like - LEGALIZE DRUGS ALREADY! Then again others like a more traditional moral like "Men who live in glass house better not throw rocks - even if they're rocks of cocaine". As for myself, I'll go for something more common sense and nonjudgmental, like "Make sure that your own nose is clean before you go sticking it into other people's business!. Unless you're an entertainment blogger that is - then go for it!

Hello Larry

Liz Taylor was not only one of Hollywood's true movie stars; She got around. She married Eddie Fischer just months before she ran off to do Cleopatra with Richard Burton. Eddie - like poor Nick Lacey with Jessica, had no idea what was what until Richie and Lizzie were exchanged expensive stones and other more personal forget me nots, By the time the show was over Liz decided that she wanted a Greek Hero, even if that mean a Welsh actor playing a Roman. So there was no room for a little Jewish singer in her life.

Now that's fine and well. People expected Taylor to run around like a cat with liniment on her arse, except that in this case the was a twist. Lizzie had stolen Fischer away from Tanny. Now Tammy was the wholesome Mountain Dew Elli May Clampett time who innocence appealed to horny adolescent boys. Innocence was a big part of her appeal. So when Taylor - who was the vamp of the day - moved in for the kill. Spectators viewed it as something a wolf goring Bambie in one of those morbid Disney films,

To put it in modern perspective - it was the same as when Angelina Jolie stole Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston. People decided that she'd gone a little too far - but since she was an oversexed bitch that they couldn't blame her as long as she meant it. So Eddie and Lizzie lived it up for a few mothers and then Lizzie's hot sexy bitch instincts took over.

As mentioned she went off to do Cleopatra with Richard Burton. Burton played Marc Anthony - a proud, intelligent brave; and even more than that - the last of the Greek Heroes. Lizzie as Cleopatra had to seduce Marc -Ricard Anthony, because they're passionate doomed love affair formed the basis of the story. That meant that Richie and Lizzie had to do plenty of scripted sexy time pulls lots of emotionally charged scenes! soon it was bye-bye Tammy.

There's been a lot of talk about who was to blame int his. Tammy was the beloved image of innocent youth, and Liz was the voracious man eating vagina dentata. Since those were the parts that they were supposed to play then no one could really blame Lizzie too much. It didn't go down well and the vox populi (they phrase vox populi is handier than "they" since interlocutors will then get cute and asked you who "they" are. Now one will defy the vox populi.), who decided that she'd get a pass if Lizze was serious. That was the Brad Angelina Jennifer scenario of their day.

Well Lizzie buggered that up by dropping Fischer like a hot potato when she went after Burton. Liz had that Jolie" I do what ever the hell I want because I'm a wild crazy fuck!' attitude. So she may not have been well aware of the seriousness of the situation when she embarked on her affair wit Burton. When she dropped him after a few months to go after Burton - the public turned and never quite forgave her.

That's a paralleled to today's Bragelinsten arrangement to - where the public has decided they'll let jolie get way with this, but they can't expect anymore from them just because she's hers. So her picture shave flopped even though Anstion has a steady A List career. Jolie may be shying away from dropping Pitt because she's afraid of a little of the Hollywood voodoo that hit Lizzie, in the form of failed career, ruined looks, failing health, etc. She needn't worry in this case because the American public is now aiting for the opposite result and are earnestly hoping that Jolie will drop her Mattell Ken Doll, and go back to the half schizophrenic potential serial killer that they fell in lover with that (Shame that no one ever explained that to Jolie).

Anyway this brings us back to the living Legend Elizabeth Taylor. After ditching Eddie and irking the American Movie Public her life started to go down hill. I don't know whether that was coincidence or the will of the movie gods, but her life started to get screwed up. She started playing tramps in films. She started to gain weight and lose her special appeal. She also rebounded off of Richard Burton and to an American politician which proved to be the worst marriage of her life. In fact she never totally took off the weight she gained during that unhappy union.

That left Liz in her post motion picture carer. Since she had some charisma she got by. She appeared in Dynasty, she designed a few perfumes, she may ever have done a few cartoon voice overs (she was considered for a voice in the Flintstones with John Goodman). You might say that Taylor's career was heading in a direction that so many and event he most famous careers go - straight in to the crapper!

Taylor has one way of getting into the media again and aging. She just kept marrying and divorcing, This was once again either a case of Taylor's flagrant disreguard of the unwritten rules of Hollywood - or that her twat was too hot to stop. So she went on her well know post movie star career as a serial marrier. IN fact the roster of Lizzie's conquest is listed below and are as follows:

Marriages

Taylor has been married eight times to seven husbands:

• Conrad "Nicky" Hilton (6 May 1950 – 29 January 1951) (divorced)
• Michael Wilding (21 February 1952 – 26 January 1957) (divorced)
• Michael Todd (2 February 1957 – 22 March 1958) (widowed)
• Eddie Fisher (12 May 1959 – 6 March 1964) (divorced)
• Richard Burton (15 March 1964 – 26 June 1974) (divorced)
• Richard Burton (10 October 1975 – 29 July 1976) (divorced)
• Note: between 1975 and 1976, Taylor was the "companion" to the Iranian ambassador to Washington, Ardeshir Zahedi. They were dubbed "the hottest couple", and both divorced their significant others during their relationship. Taylor even traveled with him to Tehran for a time. Shah Reza Pahlavi convinced Zahedi to end his relationship with Taylor.
• John Warner (4 December 1976 – 7 November 1982) (divorced)
• Larry Fortensky (6 October 1991 – 31 October 1996) (divorced)

You should notice two things right away: 1.marrying Conrad Nickey Hilton gives her a Paris Hilton connection; 2, she's been married 8 times over the past 45 years! That's an enormous amount of emotional baggage to carry around with you! Now where you've got that much karma following in your track and waiting for an inconvenient moment to pounce, then it's only a matter of time before something very inconvenient lands on you.

In this case inconvenient comes in the form of Larry Fortensky. Now if you'll recall Liz meet Larry when they were both banged up in the Betty Ford Center - America being what it is the Betty Ford Clinic draws a real cross section of America society from washed up teen pop singers to laid of steel workers. Drugs are a great equalizer. Anyway Lizzie & Larry hit it off and next thing you know and as quick as a wink, the former Hollywood sex goddess is hitched up with a recovering alcoholic unemployed bricklayer. Just call him the original Kevin Federline.

They seemed to get along for a while. Larry doted on Liz constantly & following her around with shawls that he could suddenly toss them over her if a paparazzi was spotted lurking int he bushes. This was supposed to present the image of Larry as a caring husband, rather than what everyone thought that he was. What they thought he was is what you would think of the 40 year old man who goes after a 70+ woman with millions of dollars. Apart from dubious media stunts the pair actually seemed to get along and Larry seemed to know his place.

Now this kind of celebrity hook ups almost never ever last unless you're James Garner or something. So naturally the Larry & Lizzie arrangement started growing apart. They divorced and Larry got a very a generous settlement (ever get the impression that Liz doesn't kid herself?), They went their separate ways, Larry to what ever nice blue collar home that struck his fancy, and Liz to other male companions who could give her what she needed in her declining years.

Now the thing abut these amicable split ups is that they're like dormant volcanoes waiting to erupt with destructive fury at any moment and without warning. That's what happened to Liz later over that last man she ever married - Larry Fortensky. Seem that Lucky Larry ran into some fiduciary problems.

Now these fiduciary problems of the third degree.Mainly Larry is in default on some major loans and now is in danger of losing his home. So he's sent out the SOS to his sugar mommy to cut him a check and keep a roof over his head, Hitting up the ex to keep you in your new home might sound like a helluva nerve - especially when too was already taken care of - except that Liz has steeped in and done this kind of thing before.

In fact Liz has repeatedly bailed Larry out of one financial jam after another. One fo the most serious was after Larry seriously injured himself falling down the stairs drunk, and was never able to do an honest days work after! Liz paid up his mortgage and then chipped in which some living money.

Once again Larry is in arrears. Since that his house has been foreclosed on. Unless he gets some immediate help, he's gonna be out on the street. Once again he's turned to old reliable except hat this time there's a twist. Liz is in very frail health. By frail think Mr. Burns from the Simpsons before his regular morning defibrillation. So Lizzie isn't actually non compete memphis to go writing out checks to some dead beat she used to screw 20 years ago when she was emotional vulnerable. So this looks like Larry might have to make it on his own. Give him the benefit of the doubt though, if he can hook up with Taylor at Betty Ford, then he jut might have what it takes to jump start his career with a spot on Celebrity Rehab, & if not that then Dancing With The Stars!

Rush Fools In Where Angels Fear to Tread

What's the difference between Gilbert Gottleib and Rush Limbaugh - Gottlieb doesn't pretend to be a serious political commentator!

What can you say about a big fat pill head who shoots of his mouth public? Now I'm not referring to Alex Jones. Jones is cogent & thoughtful compared to this professional blowhard. The blowhard is Rush Limbaugh and regular listeners probably noticed that this dude's mouth lost contact with his brain - which itself lost contact with reality so that's a fine state of affairs - some time back - and started freewheeling. In fact it's been freewheeling further and further off the beaten path & on on to the lunatic fringe.

Rush offer's political commentary the way a backed up septic tank offers raw sewage

Now a lot of shit has come out of Limbaugh's big gaping maw over the course of his bombastic and otherwise banal talk radio career, but the loud mouthed snook has recently out done himself. You might not believe what those loose lips recently let slip. Now for those unfamiliar with Limbaugh's routine, he's the guy who takes political commentary down to a carnival barker level. His usual spiel borders on the kill abortionist to respect he sanctity of life routine, or bring democracy to the rest of the world by bombing it flat. He supports mandatory gun owner ship for all America's - especially deranged kooks who might take a shot at the president (Lush Dumbaugh might call that Tea Party Patriotism others might wonder whether years of pharmaceutical pill abuse have caused some serious brain damage), just in case the Russkies mount some kind of commie counter attack. I'm not sure how he stands on making use of the poor and down trodden in some Solyent Green type plan - but I hear he was a great fan of Swift's Modest Proposal until some one explained to him that it was a satire. "You mean it's a fairy story? Just like the Bible? Bah hum bug!" In other words he's a pair of tinfoil under shorts away from being Glenn Beck.

... amd you thought Charlie Sheen was nuts!

Now when you got a big loose cannon of a mouth then you usually say some pretty outrageous things just as a matter of course. Stuff like "Eat the poor" and "bomb everything", In other words he's like Glenn Beck after a stroke. So when you shoot off on a level that makes Charlie Warlock Sheen sound calm, considered and rational, you got some real personal standard of psychosis to maintain. The one thing that you can say about the Rusher is that he's got a real and undeniable talent for topping himself. To bad he doesn't have more of a talent for stopping himself.

don't tempt Mother Nature by driving a Prius

Top himself is what the big fat wind bag recently did on the subject of Japan. Now while the est of North America tormented them selves wit guilt about not doing more to help those poor wretches living over there in the disaster zone; homeless, with limited food and medicine, and often not enough room at the shelters; Rush as a different take on the situation. According to Rush Japan has no one else to blame for their current misfortune because Mother Gaia has malicious laid them low as her way for showing her appreciation for the Prius.

the electrical car will draw down the wrath of God

According to Lush Rimbaugh Japan went wrong went they got all ecological. They started flooding the America car market with all these eco responsible cars with the dinky lawn mower engines on an eco angle - instead of flooding he market with these huge tyrannosaurus rex gas guzzling hummers - Rush figures that this was some transparent attempt to suck up to Mother Earth - and being a woman, you can't expect anything in the way of gratitude. You can only expect to be trampled under foot. So if you're not willing to show Big Bitch who's the boss you gotta expect to be trampled under earth after the Great Devouring Mother has gnawed the meat off your bones and finished sucking the marrow from your bones. So playing along ain't gonna get you anywhere.

Ruch Limbaugh - an pill induced level of brain damage that makes Ann Coulter look like William F Buckley jr!

Lest Rush get upset and claim to have been misquoted by some Internet blogger, here's the gist of what he did say on his Tuesday show. While discusing the whole subject of the Japan earthquake, The Rusher said - on the air - that:

"If these are the people that invented the Prius, have mastered public transportation, recycling, why did Mother Earth, Gaia if you will, hit them with this disaster?" "They've given us the Prius. Even now, refugees are recycling their garbage." Here, he began to laugh, continuing, "and yet, Gaia levels them! Just wipes them out!"

"He's right," Limbaugh said. "They've given us the Prius. Even now, refugees are recycling their garbage." Here, he began to laugh, continuing, "and yet, Gaia levels them! Just wipes them out!"

suck my goof balls

Now Rusher doesn't exactly sound like like Mother Theresa. In fact he sounds like he's back on those goof balls that every Republican condemns and every other republic secretly takes - like Rush himself. Though it must be said that an undisclosed number of those God fearing neocons (is the proper term "Neocon" or "Necrophile"? - I keep getting them confused) do that shit so that the they can score gay sex in public restrooms while adopting the wide stance in the hopes of some toe tapping fun with anonymous strangers! Keeping in touch with the public is what's helped keep them relevant!

Gilbert the Gremlin

What the Rusher does sound like is one of those tactless stand up comedians like Gilbert Gottlieb who though that about 13 000 dead Japanese was fodder for crude humour. In fact Gilbert Goblips got taken to task over this shoot from the lip comedy. He lost his lucrative Afleck Duck gig. Since that was bout the only work he currently had, he's know cooling his heels in the dog house without so much of a bone to gnaw on.

Will Lush Dumbaugh become the next Alex Jones? It's a dicey business when you can't control your big shit spewing mouth!

So if Gottlieb can get publicly reamed out for his tactless lack of basic humanity, can we we except a big fat pill addled loud mouth snook - who has basically blamed the Japanese for their own misfortunes - to make his way back to public creditability? Maybe after a brief rehab hiatus, some crocodiles tears, and a lot of transparent excuses? Since the Gottlieb precedent has already been set it might be time for Lush Rimbaugh to take a brief vacation from the talk radio circuit - just the way Dr Laura Schlesinger did after she had that unfortunate attack of Tourette's Syndrome on the air (Laura S is currently discussing with her publicist the possibility of being bi polar - at least professionally - of course Flip Wilson describes that as "the devil made me do it"). If he can blame the whole incident on a pill addiction relapse, than he might be able to worm his way into Dr Drew's Celebrity Rehab, an even eventually redemption.

Rush & Gottlieb - watch you step or your feet could wind up in your feet in your mouths again; not that there ain't plenty of room in there for 'em

A lot of mea culpe's and some crocodile tears and even that shit cannon of a mouth of his might one day be ready for a return to the airwaves, If he can play the bi polar angle, even he might even be able to work his way back into a broadcasting career via the reality TV rehab route. Word of advice to the Rusher though - in the unlikely event you ever find you self on radio in any capacity other than as Alex Jone's comic foil side kick, you might want to get your brain in motion before that mouth of yours gets into gear. Your next attack of verbal diarrhea under the guise of no spin straight shootin' commentary might be our very last, After that you won't even find cartoon voice over work. Besides there are some eager cooperate spoketoones looking for work and eager to take you jobs!

Money Never Sleeps & Marriage Comes Back To Haunt You

Happy ever after in the market place

Money and marriage seem to go together like love & marriage in the movies. Why not since we are living in the real world, or at least the material one. So naturally when folks get hitched up money issues get highlighted. That's why the legal profession thought up the pre nup as a form of marriage insurance. Now a famous Hollywood ex wife is helping the law talking guys dream up some new precedents that could impact the way movies get made, for better or for worse.

Deandre Douglas is the ex wife of Michael Douglas. She was his wife back when he had a booming movie career instead of cancer. They split up some where along the way and the usual financial arrangements got made. Deandre went away quietly and Michael went off with a woman who's seldom quiet. That's Happily Ever After on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

Fast forward several years. Michael is still hitched up to Catherine Zeta Jones. He's also make a motion picture come back with Wall Street 2 - Money Never Sleeps. The sequel is an idea you can bank on in Tinsel Town cause it's like betting on success. The people who enjoyed you're previous work will probably come out to see you "to be continued" stuff. That is unless you got drunk, went nuts, and turned racist or something. Then forget about it. Your celebrity career will consist of nothing but beating up your Russian girlfriend and getting your mug shot taken. But enough about Andy Dick.

Wall Street 2 did pretty good because Michael Douglas is a very talented actor director producer screen writer etc. That's just the stuff he takes credit for and not including writing the musical score and working out some snappy choreography that unfortunately never made it in. Plus he's a nice guy by Hollywood standards, which translates into not usually a jerk in man in the street terms. So the flick made some money.

That's where Deandre comes in, and out of the wood work. She's suing mike for a piece of the action. "Didn't she get paid off already?" many of you might be asking. Sure she did. Mike might be a strong willed sex addicted ego maniac but he's not a stinge. Then why is she coming back dogging an ill man? Well as usual there's a catch.

the better half better have!

According to divorce law when a couple splits the better half is entitled to everything the more valuable half earned during their years together. Mike & Didi split up years ago and back when Catherine Zeta was a mere 40 year old slip of a thing. However Wall Street 2 is the sequel to a movie made when Mike was with Didi. So she's arguing that this is a continuation of the first film. So it's covered by community property. So she should get half of Michael's take from the flick.

It's an interesting legal argument that might have some basis. The idea is that this is a totally separate project. The reality is that this plays on some past work. A good portion of the film's success comes from people having enjoyed the previous film. Deandre is entitled to her share from the original, so she has an argument for a piece of this. Whether her lawyers can get a judge to agree with that is a matter for the courts.

This is where the story gets interesting. Hollywood has been running out of good ideas ever since American writers stopped doing good novels and Andrew Lloyd Weber killed Broadway. With the usual sources of good ideas gone that makes sequels an important source of new screenplay material. So tons of these things get made. Most of them aren't as watchable as anything Michael Douglas might do.

Now it's no secret that almost everyone in Hollywood is as into serial marriage as they are into making sequels. It's also common knowledge that divorces cost the big players a bundle. Steven Spielberg got taken for half his net worth when Amy Irving cut him loose. That was about 100 million at the time. Pre nups were supposed to provide the big boys with some kind of coverage. However if this goes through and sets precedent then no one's safe anymore. That means every time some one pumps out some sequel from some thing done tens years or so ago, then the ex and her jackals could come out of the wood work to open old wounds. Since no one wants that this means the death of the sequel!

Since sequels are totally over done and an excuse to get good money out of bad films, it might be worth rooting for Deandre. She could be the woman who kills the sequel. Id f she can pull that off then she'll have changed the way that movies get made. No more resting on past laurels. That can only be good for the industry. Just think of a film industry with no more sequels. So they can get on to making other kinds of flicks. Like stuff based on comic books, video games, and classic TV series. So you go girl!

Those Were The Days

I have seen the future and it's a repeat

up up and away in my beautiful balloon

So what's happened to Jon Gosselin since Jon & Kate + 8? Well what hasn't happened to him? After he had his high profile falling out with the dragon lady he went on a sex spree dating women such like as Hailey Glassman and Kate Major. Hailey Glassman was the daughter of Kate's plastic surgeon and a party girl of Jersey Shore caliber. Kate Major was a tabloid reporter with Star Magazine who rebounded onto another fringe celebrity you might have heard of - some guy named Michael Lohan. Jonno was more than a play boy party guy on the loose though; he also briefly designed some shit for Ed Hardy - which is the line of men's clothes that looks like it was based on those black light posters from the 70's, and he tried to cook up some reality TV scheme with the aforementioned Michael Lohan. About the only stones he left unturned were sending on of his infamous brood up in a hot air balloon, and dating Paris Hilton.

it's like you're a pin and I'm a needle - so who's more of a prick?

The public only put up with this shit for as long as they did because they felt a little sorry for him. All of America had seen the way Kate berated and belittled him in front of a national audience. That is if you consider constantly referring to him as pathetic and useless is belittling. Some might call it emasculating. However went Jon so far that he managed to irk the nation.

picking the lesser of two evils

They weren't so fond of Kate either. She was appearing every where there was a TV camera; like the View, on book tours, Dancing With the Stars, you name it. If there was a camera and a pay check she was there with her hen's arse hair cut and flashing her grim steely grin. She got a few other appearances she might not have liked, such as the magazine cover showing her smacking on one of the sextuplets, and that infamous youtube video telling one of her thirsty brood to shut up as the child begged for water. The fact that she badgered one of the assistants for bottled water, took a couple of sips in front of her child, then put it away out of reach didn't do much for her public image. Not since Steve Irwin dangled his new born son in front of a hungry croc had the world been so outraged with such atrocious parenting. So in spite of the fact that The Learning Channel retooled, or detooled, the show into Kate Plus 8, the viewing public began losing interest. They just wanted these two awful people to go away.

what goes up must come down

That left the gruesome twosome facing hard times. Kate started crying about making ends meet and being near bankruptcy. Since she was living in a 2 or 3 million dollar home most people thought "yeah, go cry to Octomom". "I got a lead on a really great nanny from Jenny McCartney but maybe can't afford her unless you keep watching my show and buying my shit" ain't a line to elicit sympathy from people who go out and work for their keep. Only threatening to go into porn as a last resort might have motivated people to continue supporting her reality TV show.

Jon leaves show business for serious work in ecology - There goes the environment!

People who work for their keep now ironically includes Kate's ex Jon. Kate might've been able to get some public appearance work, but no one wanted to see hide or rapidly receding hair of Jon. So he wound up far away from smart nightclubs, Vegas casinos, and celebrity bottom feeders of the Charlie Sheen goddesses variety. In fact he wound up installing solar panels for Green Pointe Energy in Penn. What can you say besides "easy come easy go" except "don't forget to write"?

it's not a make up...

It looked like Jon had gone straight but he hadn't abandoned the public. He kept his ever dwindling followers updated via his Twitter account. That's where the world learned that he might be reconciling with Kate. Actually the world didn't learn about it that way. The world had stopped paying attention long ago. The tabloids learned about it and passed the news on, probably to fill some space. What Jon was saying via the most over used celebrity medium yet in existence was "No I am not back with Kate". He felt the need to say that because he had been seen seeing her again.

keep on tweetin'

So what got into him? Jon also tweeted that "I am acutely aware of the mistakes I made in 2009, and I am ashamed of the choices I made". That's a little long for Twitter so maybe his publicist came up with it. Then again Jon doesn't have a publicist, so it's probably some kind of cut and paste deal. Anyway the upshot of the whole business is - besides that Jon has learned a lot of self help double talk about "owning his actions", which is what people say instead of "taking responsibility" - that Jon appears to be reconsidering the break up.

... we're just taking back the break up

Friends of Kate say that she's considering taking baby steps with Jon (there's been enough patter of little feet in that arrangement already!). Not that she regrets divorcing Jon cause she says explicitly that doesn't, or at least some unnamed friend said that on her behalf to the Globe. It's just that things haven't been the same since those heady jet set days of their reality TV show, and Kate's multi million dollar book deals and speaking tours.

getting high on a lot of hot air

So you can't blame the kooky kids for getting a little nostalgic for the good old days, and maybe even trying to recapture some of that special magic they shared. High powered celebrity was a role Kate seemed to fall into with disturbing ease. Almost as easily as she fell from grace. The thing is that a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then. The viewing public had doubts about encouraging bad behavior ever since Richard Heene faked sending his kid up in a home made hot air balloon. People were so outraged that not even insisting that it was supposed to be a UFO hoax could placate them! After the Duggars America decided that the family values trend had to be discouraged.

Friends with Valtrex

So TV has moved on from dysfunctional families. Today's viewer is more interested drunken dyed orange teenagers who sleep around, fight, and occasionally do laundry (think of Jersey Shore as Friends on Valtrex!), then in wondering how far momma's gonna go or how many kids she's gonna pop out to keep the show going and the checks coming. So the sad truth is that times have changed and the world has moved on past Jon & Kate. Sometimes you can't go back home again, even if you invite your old TV crew back for the family reunion.

BTW some of you might have noticed that there's something real in the world. Japan is in a hell of a state. Many celeb gossip follower enjoy a little break from too much reality. However this time there's something that you can really do. Like adding your two cents worth in a way that really matters. Just try this:

Text REDCROSS to 30333 in CANADA & In the USA Text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10. Japan needs you!

Fux with a snake was the snake's mistake

Now for some news that's refreshingly toxic!

Some people say that plastic surgery is an epidemic in the entertainment industry (like Internet blogging in journalism?). Closer to the truth is that it's reached toxic proportions (like Twitter as a news source?).

What the Fux is he talking about?

If you think that's some kind of blogramtic hyperbole or something, then what do you call it when a person has had so much shit and foreign substances injected into their body in the name of youth, beauty, but basically career that when a snake bites them, the snake dies? Now lest you accuse me of some kind of blogramtic hypothetical example or something then let me assure you that there is nothing hypothetical about it and that blogramtic is just some word that I made up while stoned! The rest of the bizarre shit above is probably just misspelling! Now on to the bizarre shit below!

verbiage on herbage

Back to the Beauty and the Beast mishap. It involves an Israeli actress called Orit Fux. By Actress I think that she's some sort of adult film performer of the kind that could easily get promoted to Charlie Sheen goddess status. Impending reality TV divinity aside, she also had a Biblical type run in with a creepy creature that left viewers snaky. Now let's cut the damned verbiage (speaking of which I have no word on whether Fux name sounds like it spells)!

Fux on TV

Orit was performing some funky little number on Spanish TV that involved her showing off her surgically enhanced tits. Now these things are whoppers, but just so viewers would pay some extra attention producers thought that it would be just spiffy to get her to wrap a snake around them. The phallic implications alone made it a good idea! Just because something is a good idea doesn't mean that it's worth trying. This Jackass addendum to Murphy's Law goes double when you're talking about the entertainment industry, where things can go dangerously wrong. Especially when they're not though through.

dangerous curves

Dangerously wrong is what happened during this stunt. Apparently Ms. Fux got so carried away with enthusiasm over the stunt that she took things to a dangerous extreme. Ms Fux tried to get overly friendly with the startled serpent and went in for a kiss. In so doing the venomous bugger got a little too close to Ms. Fux's big chemical laden bosom. So spooked, as if by a sudden eclipse, and perhaps intrigued by the rare opportunity it was presented with, the beast lunged and sunk it's fangs into one of Ms Fux's two most prized assets.

booby trap - choke on this

Well there was some screaming and hollering in Spanish by producers. The were pretty excited and most of the words were "titties". Ms. Fux grimaced a little but then like the season and apparently hard bitten pro that she is, plucked the beast loose and then began carrying on with the photo shoot as if normal. Despite Fux's pluck and enthusiasm the whole thing was immediately or eventually stopped - or at least as soon as some one had the bright idea to post the whole fiasco on youtube. Now here's that eyeful!

what's in your melons honey, agent orange?

Well there you go - the creature saw that great gaping gob bearing down on it and lashed out in self defense. Perhaps it was just worried about where the mouth had been. In any case it was a bad mistake for the snake. Not because the beast faced the fate of so many beast which bite men -execution. The creature was not alive long enough to stand trial. It seems that Fux's boob was so slogged with sludge that the snake died after receiving the fateful mouth. That's right, the snake bite her and then died of silicone poisoning (it did make a last request for faith based rehab, but didn't make it)! As for the bite victim, Fux is alive and well and basking in Internet notoriety. No word on whether PETA is planning to take up the cause against Fux. Should they be considering it then they might want to be warned about biting off more than they can chew! Speaking of which Lady Gaga is curently stealing this bit for her act working on some kind of a sequel.

The Girl Most Likely

Mouthy Megan

Remember when Megan Fox used to be the next Angelina Jolie. That was back int hose heady days when her puss was on every magazine cover, her bizarre comments covered in every entertainment column, Michael Bay was still her friend & mentor, and she had a lucrative serial deal in the ongoing Transformers franchise. Then Megan opened her yap and said a thing or two that pissed Bay off. Whether or not he took the comments of a 23 year old actress with a hair trigger mouth seriously or not, he decided that she was an aggravation that he didn't need in his life and career. So he cut her loose. Now officially Bay was concerned about Megan's weight lose and general health. There were some rumours about her & BAG being into meth or something - they fight like cats and dogs, so much so that the police have been called in by neighbors a few times to break the lovers up. So maybe Bay was afraid that she was going Charlie Sheen or something. Well the first thing you know Meggers is at lose ends, and every movie she's in tanks out harder than the Tourist! I'm sure that Al Gore could've explained to her what being the next something leads to. Megan had to find out for herself.

sex sells unless you're box office poison

Now saying that every movie she was in tanked out harder than the Tourist is a little unfair. For one thing it creates the impression of a long string of consistent failure. That would be a false impression since the string isn't that long, although its' very consistent. You see poor pretty Megan hasn't had her chance to ruin many films since Jennifer's Body & Jonah Hex. That's because directors aren't lining up to work with a bitchy young actress with attitude and only one thing going for her. Especially considering the way she runs her mouth. So Meggers options have been kind of limited.

WTF? You gotta be kiddin'!

Her newest flick to be released is called Passion Play. You probably haven't heard about it cause it's a stinker, and it stars Megan. So no one is going to going out of their way to promote, even though it also stars Mickey Rouke. Now the flick is kind of like Moulin Rouge on acid and if you want a brief synopsis here it is:

Megan plays a girl who's a little different. For one thing she's a circus freak. For another she has a set of wings (I hear that the writer ot the idea while watching Victoria Secret clips on youtube!). So she might be an angel, or merely a tragic freak of nature. That parts left open for audience interpretation. Anyway the Mickster plays a boozy burned out jazz trumpet player. So his role is pretty close to life, or would be if he could play jazz on the trumpet. He some how manages to fall in love with Megan by overlooking her over powering beauty to see the wings sticking out of her back. So naturally he decides to do something foolish about it - like trying to save her. To that end he seduces her away from a gangster played by Bill Murray, and resolves to cut the wings off of her back.

Justin Bieber is a pussy!

If you're laughing then you're having the same reaction as viewers at the Toronto Film Festival - except that they also walked out of the theater! Since these highly hyped international film festivals are an important marketing vehicle for new films, and almost on par with Comiccon, that reaction hurt. It hurt so bad that the flick got pulled out of general distribution, and released straight to DVD. You know, the same way that Lindsay Lohan's work did after she turned rogue and went on a drug and alcohol fueled public rampage! That has observers asking when Meggers plans to try and reinvent herself by flipping the fuck out, going on a bender, and checking into rehab. Perhaps she'll go for the less extreme Justin Bieber route and cut off her hair or something.

winning friends and influencing people

Some might say that putting another nail in the career coffin was a waste of time. Other might ask "What career?" and then point out hat in her position it was a good move as long as the check cleared. I'm of the opinion that no life experience, no matter how painful or humiliating, is a waste. For one thing Meggers made a new friend along the way in the person of Mickey Rouke.

what drug is this guy on?

Mickey's a fine actor who faced his own personal demons and struggle back to get real respect as a character actor. He's earned critical acclaim and real fan affection too. As a guy who's been around the block backwards and forwards, and then made it back again his opinion carries weight (that is unless those trips around the block have left lingering side effects). He has some pretty strong opinions on Meggers too, like:

“I think the pleasant surprise was this girl who’s a world-class beauty turned out to be probably the best young actress I’ve ever worked with,” Rourke said. “I don’t know if a lot of her films have showcased her acting ability more than, say, being action-oriented, but she really stepped up the plate with this one and was very consistent and professional, beyond her years. At 23, I couldn’t do half of what she’s doing.”

anything to get out of these pants!

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but not even Charlie Sheen has said anything that unbelievable! The reason that's unbelievable is because most people figure that Megan would find it challenging to play a tree in an elementary school play.That has people asking what the fuck has gotten into him? Well if there's anything suspicious in his pockets remember - "Those aren't my pants! I borrowed them from Tom Sizemore!"

Optimists see the glass as half full while cynics wonder what it's full of

However once again the optimistic side of my nature has won out (can't you tell?). I believe that Mickey really believes what he's saying and more so he means it. Meaning what you say is a big deal for a prop actor. Not that Megan's "alleged" talent - and I use the world alleged because I want to avoid being libelous (she's hard to slander!) - but maybe because she actually made a good impression on him. I'm sure that the young lady can be very charming and agreeable when she wants to be. Now that her career is going down in flames she probably wants to be more than ever. So I'm sure she sweet talked the soft soaped the old boy like she was basting a Thanksgiving Turkey.

playground politics and schoolyard strategies - one day you'll be ready for high school mind games!

That's a stupid & transparent good strategy. By good I mean that every desperate on the way out actress gets around to it. Like Sienna Miller after she got canned off of Sherwood (I won't bore you with details but she managed to alienate both Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott with her stupid lies and scheming. Russ knows when a girl has got to go, and he knows what kind of games Miller plays because he's played them too - Meg Ryan.). After it became clear that her future was history - from GI Joe she went straight to Broadway and on to nowhere -she started making friendly with Jude Law again. He was on the way back up with his Robb Downey jr connection. So why not hitch your wagon to a rising star? Jude was silly enough to fall for it, but was saved at teh last minute when Sienna realized that the job offers and magazine covers still weren't pouring in yet!

what next?

Mickey Rouke is kind of on the way back up too (even though his career is basically in it's Lifetime Achievement Award stage). So getting on his good side may pay off in real dividends - not just friendship. If he likes you well enough he might want you to *ahem* act in one of his real films. At least that's what you might think if you're a young actress who's long on ambition and short on gray matter! So you see the experience wasn't wasted. Megan has learned from her experiences - like Michael Vick did during his time in the doghouse. He came back to be an even better football player and the hardest working QB in the whole damned NFL! Now Megan is showing a whole new professional attitude too! I just hope that she's learned not to say anything in interviews that will try the less patient among us! Here's lookin' at you, kid!

Jesse James threatens to write book - anti climax expected!

running out of tiger blood!

After taking a few days off to mourn Charlie Sheen's gradual return to sanity - God that man came up with some interesting shit! - I'm back to dish, though with much less inspiring shit to work with. For those of you afraid that it has something to do with Justin Bieber's hair, or Kim Kardashian revealing she has had silicone injections but won't say where, don't worry. I can offer livelier fare, but it ain't much liver.

who's who

Today's offering involves a gal more sympathetic than Jennifer Aniston. IN fact she's only slightly less sympathetic than Rihanna! This chick would be none other than America's Sweetheart - well one of 'em anyway. The whole America's Sweetheart deal is kind of like the Heavy Weight Boxing Championship: there's about a half dozen belts on the go and the public has lost interest. She's also one of the reining Queens of Romcoms; I guess that's kind of like the Heavyweight Sweetheart deal. Anyway it's not Katherine Heigl, but poor humiliated Sandy Bullock.

if you can't find fresh freaks then send in the clowns

If you'll recall about a little over a year ago Sandy was on top of the world. She had a blockbuster film career, a skeezy tattooed husband with a pick up truck for the kind of 'real people' credibility Angelina Jolie hasn't had since she stopped wearing billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck, real affection from the movie going public, oh yeah and she had that Oscar in her hot little hand too. It looked like everything was coming up Sandy, until the shit hit the fan.

shitbomb

The shit hit the fan in the form of her husband's sleazy mistress Michelle Magee. Magee was nicknamed Bombshell - at least that was her working name, and she was the sort of greasy bitch that Tiger Woods wouldn't have touched with a shitty stick wrapped in an asbestos condom. Not unless he was on his usual Ambien & Viagra cocktail anyway. What Bombshell worked at was stripping and posing for fetish websites. By fetish think vomit and dog shit. It's all about what don't wash out! So the chick had a serious career she was working on, with white power and home wrecking as a sideline. All work and no play will leave people asking "why is there stale vomit in your hair?"

Vanilla Gorilla makes a monkey out of Bullock!

The shit couldn't have hit the fan at a worse time either, since as I mentioned people had just watched Sandy pick up her shiny chrome celebrity validation award in a highly televised ceremony. Sandy had been waiting for this moment for a very long time - ever since she wanted to be an actress when she grew up - so she made a big deal out of it. Unfortunately she made a big deal out of the Vanilla Gorilla too. She made some public comments about how real he was, how he'd made her more real, and how he was charming the pants off of Morgan Freeman (although hopefully not with some cooked up scheme that involved getting him to bend over!). In short she said he'd made a Hollywood actress a better person - which is no small feat. Then it got too real.

who's Ricky Gervias?

Hot on the heels of this all these scuzzy photos of Bombshell licking dog vomit up in her under wear while baring her swastika tattoos to the world came up. Apart from maybe Mel Gibson no one was impressed. It made Sandy look lower than all those mentioned at the intro of the last Golden Globes (almost forgot about that since Charlie Sheen's wild over the top media blow out didn't you?). The difference was that this shit actually stuck, and for days and days after. What was sticking was a question: If Jesse was really a bad piece of shit, like we're finding out; and he was really the most important person in Sandy's life, like she said; then how could she not know about any of this nazi shit? Something smelled rotten, and it wasn't just the leftovers from some fetish sex orgy; though that might have been part of it.

there's more to outrage than pretty pretty dresses

Well then if this question has been plaguing your mind, then you're as socially aware and conscious as Natalie Portman on a pre Oscar clothing spree. So you might also be interested to know that Vanilla Gorilla has a new book coming out. Normally no one would dignify that book with the purchase price. They'd simply wait for the National Enquirer to give them the gist of it, or borrow it from the public library. However this time there's a very good reason to put our high minded outrage aside and indulge our morbid curiosity. The reason is that Jesse addresses the Sandy question.

relationshit

According to Jesse in his new book Sandy probably had no idea about his fringe interests in nazism and fetish sex. For one thing she was never really that interested in any part of his life. That included their time in bed together. Jesse claims that bed with Sandy involved books, newspapers, scripts - the kind of shit grease monkeys with Hitler tattoos hate, and as much as 6 dogs. The dogs didn't even figure in the way he liked either - they were lying affectionately at the foot of the bed, instead of licking fresh maggots out of her vagina! Now Jesse hasn't come right out and said that she drove him into the arms of sex offenders because she was too damned boring in bed. Gentleman Jesse just left that to be inferred. However some are saying that he has come right straight out and implied that the ex is a lesbian or something, allegedly! Here's some excerpts of what he did say.

“Jesse would always say that Sandra went to bed with a book or script and five or six of their dogs, leaving little room for him in bed and no chance to have sex,” the source said.

“He also told friend that he and Sandra had zero physical attraction, and they hadn’t had sex for months before they split. Sandra is on edge because Jesse could justify his cheating by creating the false impression that she withheld sex from him or is a lesbian.”

Publishing insiders say that Jesse’s book royalties are tied to how much he reveals about Sandra. She’s agonizing over the possibility that Jesse will spill heartbreaking details of her failure to conceive, and even accuse her of condoning his Nazi fascination.

“Jesse owns a large collection of Nazi memorabilia, including a surfboard with a life-size Hitler doing the Nazi salute that he kept in his office at the garage. He also had swastikas, helmets and Nazi uniforms at the home he shared with Sandra. While Sandra wasn’t a fan of his Nazi stuff, did she turn a blind eye to it? If Jesse tells the world she was OK with his collection, that could come back to haunt her, especially since her late mother was German.”

put the titillate back in tittle tattle!

So that should clear everything up, unless it makes everything a lot more confusing. That's the problem with tell alls, especially when they tell you nothing. I say if you're gonna tittle tattle than have the guts and basic honesty to rat out the bastards like a mafia fink trying to get into the witness protection program! That means all bets off, no holds barred, and the Marquis of Queensbury rule book gets tossed right out the window! If not, then don't waste everyone's time by getting their hopes up and then pussy footing around 'cause your lawyer told you to be careful and Bullock's business a manger said "don't worry something can be worked out!" You're just taking precious work away from Andrew Morton. At least Jesse's people are still making some noises about a possible Jesse James 'alleged' sex tape. Though it should be said that the alleged tape doesn't involve Sandra Bullock, but Miss Tila Tequila and a German Sheppard named Shitler! That ought fill some attention in the post Charlie Sheen celebrity outrage vacuum!