Hollywood Halloween

Is Hollywood culling it's greatest asset - the Beautiful People?

Show some respect - that nut used to be Randy Quaid!

Randy Quaid used to be a respected Hollywood actor. That is up until about a year ago. That's when Randy and his wife Evi got busted for ripping off a California Hotel to the tune of 10 500. There were more charges in Texas. Some allegations of illegal squatting got made - the Quaids claimed that they were the real owners of the property, one they had sold years previously in what Randy claims was a fraud - and soon the Quaids were wanted criminals. Before the story was finished breaking Dog the Bounty Hunter, on the George Lopez Show, was swearing bloody justices on the hapless couples asses even as they were applying for political asylum in Vancouver, Canada.

The Quaids got busted outside a bank when Randy had tried to mortgage some property - hopefully something he hadn't been swindled out of previously. The bank ran his name through the computer and up comes the warrant that had been issued. Police were there before you could say "fuzz" and the Quaids were being lead off in handcuffs while requesting asylum and making some strange claims.

The strange claims are that the Quaids lives are in danger if they are returned to Hollywood. They are in danger because near the very top of Hollywood there is a small cabal of "Starwhackers". According to the demented mutterings of Evi Quaid star-whackers are a group in Hollywood who murder that town's leading lights, not as an offering to some pagan god or in some Illuminati blood sacrifice ritual; but in a cold blooded and calculated attempt to hype films through the publicity created when a star, like Heath Ledger, dies.

Now when word of the Quaids' novel conspiracy theory came to light it had casual observing asking "Is Quaid nuts, or is his wife the fruitcake and has she taken Randy's sanity hostage?" Well it turns out that the Crazy Quaids have a fairly well formulated theory to explain their bizarre behavior (but then again doesn't every certifiable lunatic?). Here, in his own words, are the gist of Randy Quaid's strange irrational fears:

"Up until a year ago Evi and I had never had any run-in with the law whatsoever," he said.

"We are not criminals nor are we fugitives from justice. Nor are we crazy. We are simply artists and filmmakers who are being racketeered on."

The brother of actor Dennis Quaid then broke down when he told a gathered media pack about how the criminal group had some of Hollywood's biggest names in its sights.

Actor Randy Quaid has fled to Canada, where he is seeking asylum.

"We believe there to be a malignant tumour of 'star-whackers' in Hollywood," he said.

"How many people do you know personally who have died suddenly and mysteriously in the last five years?

"I have personally known eight actors, all of whom I have worked with and was close to - Heath Ledger, Chris Penn, David Carradine among them.

"I believe these actors were whacked and I believe many others, such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson, are being played to get at their money."

PETA Quaid style - People for the Ethical Treatment of Actors

In other words organized crime in Hollywood is more organized than ever. Plus movie stars are an endangered species. These ideas aren't really new. Hollywood has been killing it's stars for years. Most people assumed that this was in the form of fame causalities like Marylin Munroe and James Dean, and was a by product or side effect of the process. It was the price of doing business. The problem may have been systemic - part of the way deals get done, talent gets exploited, and celebrities get thrown onto the tracks after they've outlived their usefulness. Nobody believed that it was a deliberate and conscious act.

However the Quaids have taken this idea to the next level - by taking it literally. So many people have wound up show business causalities in the past year or so alone; people like Corey Haim, Heath Ledger, Gary Coleman, and Michael Jackson - who's own family accused the accounts handling him of deciding that he was "worth more dead". So either this was gross negligence in the Hollywood community or it was some kind of deliberate plot to destroy over ambitious food service types. (It's best to get them while they're still small - today a waiter but tomorrow they're an A Lister smashing up hotel rooms and driving under the influence while aimed in your general direction.) Since star deaths were getting so consistent in the entertainment industry, deliberate malice almost makes sense.

If this was a social satire media stunt a la PETA then they might be onto something. AS satire it's promising. As an attempt to stay out of the USA, or as a literally belief - it promises to make things a lot more interesting. It might even have made a great story idea for a movie script. Although it must be said that "Attack of the Hollywood Star Whackers" sounds grindhouse. I guess the theories plausible if you can believe that life in Hollywood can imitate B Movies. Maybe they could revive that old script for "The Plot to Replace the Justice League". Lines like "If that's a robot then where is the real Wonder Woman?" could be adapted so easily to this kind of scenario.

Now many people will find the Quaids wild theories far fetched as they role their eyes and smirk at the talk of organized death squads of celebrity stalking star whackers roaming LA in search of their quarry - moderately attractive and some what personable ex waiters and waitresses who fluked into fame and fortune. Then again everything that goes on in Hollywood sounds a little implausible - from "Change your weight by changing your consciousness" to spinning class for pets. So while you're laughing up yourselves just stop and ask yourself whether this is the weirdest thing that ever came out of Hollywood. Besides conspiracy theories have been gaining mainstream credibility ever since Oliver Stone did JFK. Besides there are some even wilder theories out there - like those espoused by Gary Bell in The View From Space. Let's have a listen to Gary's Halloween edition!

There's more to Halloween than evil conspiracies. There's also dressing up in fetish wear and parading around at parties.

"I could totally do you in that handcuffed, ball gagged circus clown number!"

Good luck lonely naked single lady!

National Enquirer giving Michael Douglas 3 months

Remember when the National Enquirer gave Michael Jackson 6 months to live? That was back around 6 months before he died. They almost got as much creditability out of that as they do from their Pulitzer prize nomination. Naturally the encouragement sent them on a deathwatch spree, and they were predicting the immanent demise of everyone in Hollywood, up to and including Oprah & Kirstie Alley - some of Hollywood's biggest stars in other words. That lead to a blow up on Twitter. Kirstie tool some kind of personal exception to the Enquirers little death prediction - celebrities can be so sensitive - and declared all out war on the mag. She even published the home address of the reporter who had given her for years (so unappreciative for the gift of time), and encouraged whatever fans that she might still have (There are still a few of us Cheers watchers out here!) to harass the hapless journalist! After that the Enquirer went back to their preoccupation with John Edwards' active love life.

The Enquirer has got their nerve back and re entered the celebrity death business. This time they're giving beleaguered Michael Douglas 3 months to live. Even casual celebrity gossip followers know that Douglas - one of America's most talented film makers - is doing battle with a serious case of cancer. However most people decided that he would overcome this, and so went on to other concerns.



Douglas' many friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and well wishers were sounding optimistic. Shia Labouef - his Wall Street 2 co star - claimed that Douglas would beat this cause he's "a wolf". Then again Labouef has every reason to pull for a Douglas recovery. Shia pulled a Megan Fox and publicly criticized his former Hollywood sponsor Steven Spielberg, claiming the director had dropped the ball on the latest Indiana Jones - man are those movies getting old. Ordinarily that would be career suicide since directors have been known to take such comments as personally as Kirstie Alley might take a tabloid death prediction (anyone heard from world's sexiest woman Megan Fox lately?). However Shia probably felt that he'd made a powerful new friend with Douglas and so his working relationship with Spielberg was now expendable. Nobody plans on death - unless they're suicidal.

As Douglas conditioned worsened everyone got less optimistic - and Labouef got more nervous about his future (it must be nice to know that at least one person is really pulling for your recovery). Some serious talk about when MD might pass from the mortal coil began. Some gossip had the actor down to 145 pounds. Still more talk had him refusing the more difficult forms of cancer treatment. Tabs were even printing stories about Douglas requesting Catherine Zeta Jones have one more child by him, as a going away present.

Now the Enquirer has come right out and announced that Douglas is about to pass on. They're featuring it on next weeks cover, along with their official prediction of 3 months left. Further more they've down graded his weight to 139. They're also referring to a mysterious secret that Catherine Zeta is hiding from him. So if you're following the tragic Michael Douglas story this might be worth checking out. That is unless it would feel too vulturish or something. Not tht it should feel especially vulturish. It's been noticed more than once that the fame business is something like offering your flesh up for sale in a for of professional cannibalism.

If that's too morbid then you can check out Elin's ultimate revenge on Tiger Woods!

Momma Mia

a little tittle tattle

The Gawker has caught everyone's attention with a salacious bit of tittle tattle posted earlier today. According to their blind gossip item a major celebrity - barely an A Lister in their words - is a very sick customer. When they say sick they mean well beyond the usual Hollywood standards. This guy isn't just content with anal sex, or to crap in chicks' mouths, like the rest of those Walk of Fame perverts. This guy's into a whole other ball of wax!

Don't take my word for it. The exact piece posted went like this:

He calls his mates "mom" and sucks his thumb after sex. This famous ladies' man's girlfriend got knocked up to snag him and this pregnant celeb is having a test tube baby. Everyone has mommy issues!

1. "According to an ex-girlfriend of this A list movie actor (barely A list by the way), our actor likes to call the person he is having sex with, "mom" and also sucks his thumb after sex. Can you say disturbing?" [CDaN]

Man that's some awful stuff! Though we might have expected this kind of stuff from Ronald & Nancy Reagan, we expect something more dangerous and exotic from our professional actors! Strangely not many people are asking who it could be. It's as if folks already have some pretty strong ideas about who the Hollywood Mama's Boy might be. Now Hollywood is spoiled for choice when it comes to selecting among deviants, however there's just one name that shoots ahead of the rest when it comes to these sort of shenanigans.

The name of course is David Arquette and he was vocal on Howard Stern's Sirius Radio about the mommy angle in his Courtney Cox relationship. He told Howie that Courts dumped him because she was tired of being his "Mommy". Now we all took that to be figurative. You know the sort of thing; Dave was an immature and irresponsible oaf - like Homer Simpson - and Courts got tired of playing Marge. However as the following CNN video confirms, he did cry after sex.

No wonder Courtney dumped his sissy ass! That must've just gotten way too creepy after awhile. That's so far beyond creepy that waking up post coitus on Dexter's dissection table would be a relief in comparison to the crying and thumb sucking. Many people cry after sex, and even during and before. Also sucking is not an unknown occurrence. However what if this points to some kind of deeper issue. There's a very short step from crying to thumb sucking. So could Mr. Arquette by the Gawker Mystery Weenie? Like we say here @ Wondertrash "celebrities are fucked up people!". I wonder if Dave made Courtney spank him during sex, and if this sis something he picked up off of Brit Celebs? I hear that they're all into that shit over there! Why couldn't he be into normal kinky stuff, like every other pervert not on a sex offenders' registry?

Charlie Sheen has more drama

the silly season begins with a vengeance!

Charlie Sheen has had his ups and downs, most of which have been well publicized. He had a nasty bust up with ex Denise Richards, and quickly rebounded with coked out skank Brooke Mueller. That lead to his infamous Christmas Day Knife Fight. That was when he got drunk and allegedly held a knife to Brooke's throat. Now, with only 8 days left on his probation from that incident, the troubled comedian has flipped out again!

Seems that Charles was having a family day in NYC with Denise and their kids when things took an odd, but increasingly characteristic turn. At some point during the visit Charles checked himself into a hotel (the Plaza) and got into the booze and coke. That lead to some 911 calls being sent in. Other hotel occupants got alarmed when they heard the sound of breaking furniture coming from Sheen's room. Police arrived to find Sheen unconscious and naked in the ruins of what had once been a pricey New York hotel room ($7000 worth of damage). Naturally Sheen got hauled off.

Sheen was found to be under the influence of unnamed intoxicants, and taken off to hospital on a 5150 type hold for some psychiatric assessment. Meanwhile his PR reps went into overdrive. Almost as soon as the news broke an unconvincing cover story got concocted. The official story is that Sheen had an allergic reaction to some medication he was on. That should come as a relief to Charlie's many fans, since for awhile it was feared that the actor might be suffering from drug induced flip out Hollywood exhaustion!

Currently it is being reported that Sheen has been released and is once again one the loose. He is planning on returning to work on his popular TV series 2 1/2 Men. His ex wife Denise was at his side throughout this trying incident, and has made some supportive but non committal statements on the actor's behalf. So it's business as usual again, though we can't say that things are back to normal. It seems like things are seldom normal for Charlie. However Sheen might want to get it together soon, since right now he's a prime candidate for political asylum in Vancouver!

Speaking of freaked out celebrities there has been another occurrence of Andy Dick. The comedian was recently seen baring his genitals in public. The actor was also seen harassing a passing celebrity tour bus, screaming at the passing fans "I'm right here!" Unfortunately there aren't any "starwhackers"around when you need them! We can only assume that these incidents are unrelated, unless some real bad drugs have found their way to Hollywood.

Speaking of outrageous celebrities Mel Gibson got canned from his planned cameo in the Hangover sequel.At first it seemed like a good way to reintroduce Gibson to the public. However his costars on the flick got upset and petitioned to have him removed. Faced with a cast revolt, the producers relented and cut Gibson loose. They claimed that Gibson would have hurt the film. The good news is that Charlie Sheen is probably available to fill in for him - if the project can be squeezed in between court dates and shrink appointments.

Does any one remember the old days when movie stars were worshiped as gods? Of course that was before we found out how crazy they are, as a profession. Personally I blame the internet for undermining their images, that and crystal meth. Anything made from paint stripper and Lysol will rot your brains!

Escape from the Starwhackers - More on the Quaids

asylum from Hollywood

This story just gets stranger. After the Quaids recent arrest in Vancouver stories are coming out that Quaid, and his wife, believe that their are potential victims of Hollywood "star whackers". Starwhackers is a reference to Edie Quaid's believe that Hollywood ius murdering it's stars for some unclear and nefarious purpose. Heath Ledger, David Carradine, and others are all victims, according to Mrs Quaid, of this Hollywood conspiracy! She also fears that herself and her husband have made the Hollywood hit list. To that end they fled America and have sought "asylum from Hollywood" in Vancouver.

Not it should also be said that the Quaids are rumored to have some substance abuse issues. Also Edie is said to be mentally ill. Sources close to Randy claim that the actor has known for years but hasn't had the heart to commit her.

"The Real Diary: Lessons from the Good Time Girl to Champion."

Loredana Jolie is one of countless women that Tiger Woods has had bland, sleazy sex with. She also one of many to cash in on that. Not only in terms of sub sandwiches and hours spent in swanky PGA hotels. Loredana is writing a book. She got some interesting things to say, too.

For instance Tiger Woods is a big shot both figuratively and literally. Says Ms Jolie - "As a love and sexual partner he is largely endowed and safe sex with him was definitely champion status.When I was having my relationship with Tiger. I was like on the seventh cloud especially from a sexual perspective. There is at least no doubt about the fact that Tiger was awesome in bed." She also hints that Woods has a dark side. She claims that Woods got off on threesome fantasies. Says Loredana - "He liked to watch girl-on-girl, and the girls would occasionally join us. I would make him fantasize," writes the 27-year-old Bronx-born escort. "I would ask him what if I had another guy here with me while he was there with me. It kind of turned him on a little."

Woods' dark side extended well beyond mild kink. According to Loredana Woods' was addicted to pills. Apparently he had a sleep disorder that kept him up most nights. That lead to reliance on medications such as Ambien - believed to have contributed to Woods's ex mad ways. "Tiger was kind of addicted to pills, I saw him taking sleeping pills and painkillers. He had a severe sleeping disorder and he could not sleep at night," she says.

Perhaps her most interesting comments related to the Tiger Woods marriage. For instance she knows exactly why the marriage collapsed. Now it's not the most obvious reasons, like Tiger's promiscuity or even her own intrusion. The reason is because Elin Nordgren was an icy bitch who was more interested in running around spending Tiger's money that in keeping her champion husband serviced. Says Loredana - "Obviously they didn't have such a close relationship because if I was in his house where the hell was she?" she rants. "If I had my husband, I would make sure I know [who] was coming to my house. At that point I started realizing it was more a less [sic] financial reasons why they were married -- she was in it for the money."

Naturally Loredana has a book coming out. It's called "The Real Diary: Lessons from the Good Time Girl to Champion." It also recounts some o her good times with high rollers like Michael Jordan and Bruce Willis . She also makes more bizarre claims, such as "My diary also reveals intimate secrets and details that can save millions [of] people worldwide. I have slept with some of the wealthiest and most powerful people on the planet." So if you want to read more about her adventures with Tiger Woods, and other super heroes, then be sure to look for that books.

BTW for those following the bizarre story of Oscar nominated actor Randy Quaid and his allegedly crazy wife, Wondertrash readers will be relieved to hear that the couple have been apprehended. The Quaids began their life of crime by running afoul of the law in an odd way. The pair began ripping off B&B's throughout America. They left 10 000's in debt behind them.



The pair eventually made their way out of the country and into Vancouver Canada, where they were arrested outside a city bank. Quaid had gone in to raise some funds by mortgaging a property. Living on the lam ain't cheap, even when you don't pay your bills. When the bank ran his name through their computer up came a notice that he had an outstanding warrant in the USA. So the police were notified and both Quaid and his wife were arrested as the left the bank.



The Quaid saga might be pretty strange, and might even get stranger yet, but it's not the strangest thing going on out there. For some really out of this world news here's the latest broadcast by Gary Bell & The View From Space!

When Bunnies Attack

Bunny Bummer

At 66 Angela Dorian has had a long and varied career int he entertainment industry. You may remember her from bit parts and guest roles on series like Hogan's Heroes, Star Trek, Perry Mason and Bonanza. She was also in Rosemary's Baby (man the RB curse has claimed so many!). She perhaps best known as a former Playboy Bunny.

It's been a while since Dorian the Bunny has been anything like a celebrity, but that doesn't mean that she still doesn't have it in her! For one thing she ain't some blue haired granny playing bingo and settling into a Momma's Family existence of crusty impatience and falling stockings. This broad has still got herself a man! More than that she still got what it takes to keep him in line too. Maybe she's even got a bit too much!

By a bit too much I mean that Dorian went from laying down the lay to facing the music herself. On Saturday at about 7PM it became evident that Dorian was a bad bunny when she got hauled off to jail for shooting her unnamed boyfriend. That poor man wound up with a hole in his chest that crafty Dorian - that wascally wabbit! - claimed was put there by drug dealers.

However it later emerged that drug dealer had nothing to do with it. Dorian herself had shot the hapless man. That lead to a charge of attempted murder, and a million dollar bail. It also lead to her being incarcerated in Century Regional Detention Facility, in Lynnewood. That's housed such hi profile ne'er do wells as Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie. So after a long hiatus from fame it looks like Dorian has finally made it into the winner's circle and the exalted company therein! It just goes to show that it's never to late, if you've still got some life in you! Naturally Dorian has pleaded not guilty.

Body English

how to win friends and influence people: first, stop being yourself

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

IN show business PR is big business. When millions are invested into the image of some young waiter or waitress on their way to becoming the next who ever - you don't want any malfunctions derailing things. You want to build on their likability and creditability as much as possible, so that people will want to see their movies and support their projects. Interviews can be rough since it requires young performers to answer questions and often give opinions. If they say the wrong thing then it could be the train to goodbyesville for 'em.

dancing with the stars, singing for their supper

You can almost imagine a small battalion of image wranglers and interview coaches employed by the studios to help young talent to keep their feet out of their mouths! They might offer such helpful hints such as "When Letterman asks about your previous relationship act like you're cool with it and totally get the joke - don't stare off in the distance and start talking to yourself" or "If anyone asks, Sarah Palin is a wing nut but you're enjoying her daughter in Dancing With the Stars".

attack of the Krisbians

So with the sad fates of Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise serving as cautionary reminders more and more emphasis gets put on faking it - or prepping for those risky public interviews as if they were high school examinations or job interviews to be tap danced through. That makes it even more difficult to get to know what sort of person our favourite celebrities really are. "Not finding out" is the point, I guess. Occasionally though an interview will be minor enough and the question awkward enough to provoke some kind of psuedo human response. AS in the case of Kristen Stewart when asked by an MTV host if she knew what "Krisbians" are.

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Different strokes for different folks

Kristen does a lot of nail chewing in that one. If she ain't highly uncomfortable then she's a much better actress than several Twilight installments would suggest. As for Krisbians, if you didn't get it they're lesbians who want to bend the fair Ms Stewart to their will! You can see the appeal, Ms Kristen is an attractive young woman. They didn't mention how many people Ms Stewart may have turned Krisbian, or whether the rumours are true about her being a practicing Krisbian herself - but that was neither the time nor the place. Let us just be thankful that so successful a young woman - successful enough to be on Emma Hermione Watson's hit list, is still capable of some human, or at least human like, responses. Of course I suppose that those human touches will get airbrushed out by the time she's ready for her big magazine cover or spread.

It amazing that the celebrity class, who are schooled in the black arts of fake sincerity, are still sometimes capable of giving themselves away through body language. Then again a life of constant deception must be rough. No one can ever know what you're really feeling thinking etc cause if they did then they might not like you as much any more and your future career as a talk show host or info-mercial pitch man might go down the toilet. Then you'd have nothing to look forward to but reality TV redemption, and that's a hard path back! So you're stuck with constantly faking it and suppressing yourself for the sake of the image. Must feel a lot like being Clark Kent!

freaking Megan out

Speaking of which the woman who was almost Wonder Woman, Megan Gale, is usually a pretty controlled customer. She's hardly the kind ot blow her cool. Yet some Italian TV presenters got quite a reaction out of her for their show. It only needed a amorous Italian driver behind the wheel of a high speed automobile to freak Megan out! Then she showed viewers all kinds of body language!



Even non Italian speakers will have a fair idea whats going on their by Ms Gale's shocked expressions. That's part of what made the practical joke so good - Gale's responses are universally understandable and no explanation is necessary. Plus there's no need to edit out naughty language! When she crossed her self and started praying even the most obtuse should've caught on. I like the way she took control and pulled the keys out of the ignition. Now that lady is an Amazon! You'll be happy to know that Megan reverted back into her mild mannered alter ego in time to attend the studio audience screening for the clip!

Justin Bieber lashes out at 12 year old

Justin Bieber is back in the news. He's been in the news pretty frequently ever since he was 'discovered' on youtube and turned into a Mylie Cyrus type phenomenon. After that he became a media sensation and a Donny Osmond style heart throb to teen girls across North America. The 'phenomenon' thing started to wear thin fast as more and more 'odd' Bieber stories started to come forward: Bieber fans threaten to kill Kim Kardashian, Bieber gets beaned with a water bottle during a concert, Bieber gets arrested - for breaking curfew, Bieber swears at a floor director - in Australia, Bieber introducing his new nail polish line, etc.

The following story continues on the weird trend. Seems that Bieber and a 14 person entourage of his - he's already outgrown real friends - were patronizing a lazer tag facility in Richmond BC when things got out of hand. Bieber ran afoul of another young tagger, and some kind of altercation occurred.

Details about the altercation vary. So far the unofficial version is that some annoying little kid was following Bieber around and calling him a "faggot". Bieber finally had enough and clobber the little brat. According to some unofficial statements Bieber felt that he was being bullied, and what with stories of homophobic taunting so much in the news lately, reacted by pounding the little arsehole. He felt bullied and wanted to put a stop to things.Trouble is that Bieber is 16, and the bully was 12. Many of you who still remember being 12 will recall how unlikely bullying anyone 4 years older than you was. That is unless you were a steroid terror.

Staff have a slightly different story. Planet Lazer employees say that the kid and his cronies were following Bieber around and shooting him with their guns while he was trying to play a game of his own. He finally got fed up and clobber the little snot boy. It's what anyone might have done one staff member confided.

Then there's the official version coming from Bieber's official public relation representatives. According to Bieber's people the event never occurred. So there's nothing to explain. Now that is concise and convenient. It's just not very convincing.

Part of the reason that it's not convincing is because a police report was filed on the incident. According to the boys in blue, also known as the RCMP: “On Friday around 5:30 p.m. we got a report that a 12-year-old boy was allegedly assaulted at an entertainment facility in Richmond. The boy sustained minimal injuries and did not require medical attention. We are continuing our investigation.” No other info will be released at this time, the spokesperson added.” The fuzz won't release any more pertinent details both both participates in the altercation are under 18, and so protected by young offenders legislation.

So young Mister Bieber cotinues to stound and amaze us with behaviour uncharacteristic of a bubble gummer. Maybe he's already rejecting the Corey Haim like aura of creepy wholesomeness that's been projected onto him. Maybe he's just following the normal life cycle of over night child stardom. If that's true then look for him to get into serious shot soon enough. Then again maybe the whole thing is what it is - something that's been blow way out of proportion, like Bieber himself. Anyway since the lad is 16 look for a whole new level of Bieber Fever tabloid trash stories once he gets his license to drive.

Speaking of Tabloid Trash Stories, Wondertrash readers will probably be aware that some weird shit is happening lately. For instance New York had a recent UFO attack or something. Media later reported that the UFO sightings were hot air balloons released form a local elementary school. Now while that can happen - Tom Petty once believed that the Earth was under attack when he saw balloons being released from a wedding held on the estate of neighbor Adam Sandler. Petty mistook the balloons for flying saucers and hopped in his car, with his wife, to drive directly towards the invaders. Petty discovered his mistake, but not before he got into a collision with some guest of Sandler's on their way to the event by car. Petty went on to lament that his wife no longer allowed him to drive after pulling that particular boner!

The trouble with these stories is that they leave so much unexplained. For instance if Petty really believed that the Earth was being invaded why would he drive towards the saucers, and not more sensibly, away from them? In the case of the New York UFO's, why would America's most hardened cynics make the same mistake as a man who left his brain, and now his driver's license, in the 60's?

The answer is that there's more going on here than you and I realize. What that is has something to do with the New World Order and their nefarious plans to recondition you consciousness using current events. Like the Chilean Miners. After a couple of weeks in the bowels of the earth they're already poised on the verge of international Susan Boyle type stardom. They're making some heavy plans too, like forming a foundation to sell their story and divvy up the proceeds. Pretty sophisticated for rural miners. If Gary Bell and the View From Space is right it's because they're no longer Chilean miners but nephilim possessed Illuminati agents who were taken over by the spirits of the fallen while they were in the bowels of Mother Gaia. Just have a listen to Bell's latest broadcast below and then decide for yourself is this isn't an usual amount of fuss over a mining mishap considering that such things happen from time to time through out the world from the Southern States to Australia, without get the kind of reality TV attention that this has - just wait for the eventual movie!

Johnny Who?

So what's it like to met your hero? When you're a celebrity you get those chances. When you're Johnny Depp you get the chance even if your hero is Keith Richards. It's no secret that Depp thinks pretty highly of Richards. Depp himself is a musician who fronted a band for a whole. He also based his Captain Jack Sparrow character on the legendary Stones wild man (Not the first time such a thing has happened. Jim Henson based the Animal Muppet on Richards!). So naturally meeting Richards must've been a big deal for him.

IN fact Depp knew Richards' son Marlon for awhile. That lead to entrance into the Richards' premises and eventually a meeting with Big Keith. So how'd that go? Well Richards claims that he had no idea who Depp was for about 2 years. According to KR Depp was one of a bunch of Marlon's friends who hung around the house playing guitar. Richards claims he never asked who any of them were because if he did the usual response was "I'm a drug dealer".

Richards recalls, "It took me two years before I realised who he was. He was just one of my son Marlon's mates, hanging around the house playing guitar. I never ask Marlon's mates who they are, because you know, (they say) 'I'm a dope dealer'.

You call that a knife?

It's not that Richards was unfamiliar with Depp's work - it's just that it to a little while for KR to sort things out in his head. Eventually the pieces clicked together for Keith. As he tells it Johnny was over for dinner and sitting down eating with a knife and fork. Somehow that jogged Richards memory - "Whoa - you're Scissorhands!" That was when Richards discovered that the house guest was not only one of the most famous actors in the world, but a big KR fan. Richards' response was - 'Get over it, Johnny.' The 60's lasted a lot longer for some people than for others, and for Keith Richards they seem to be still going strong! Welcome to the time warp!

You can tell that Animal was inspired by Richards - the Rolling Stones style Big Mouth on the drum set is the give away!

Jesse James and Kat Von D Split?

Remember when Jesse James went with Kat Von D? That was after he humiliated his ex wife - America's Sweetheart and Oscar Winner Sandra Bullock. Jesse cheated on Sandy with a bevy of tattooed white power sex fetish chicks. Naturally people were disgusted and wanted Bullock to dump James ass, and the rest of him, asap. They didn't have to wait long to get their wish.

So when Kat Von D announced her hook up with rebounding James people were ambivalent. ON the one hand they thought that the gruesome twosome were a perfect match. KVD is heavily tattooed. She has also had a brush with white power. During her reality TV days she sent her Jewish boss a hate filled racially charged e mail, which she later denied sending, and even later admitted to bu claimed that she didn't mean it. The back story on that is KVD was working for a guy called Ami James on Miami Ink. James is off the Jewish persuasion - although it's not clear who persuaded him. He and Kat had a falling out, so Kat left to do her own think. however she left James a little something to remember her by:



That's Kat - thinking with her heart instead of using her head. Anyway the combination of racism and body art, not to mention the general sleaze factor, seemed to make her the Jesse James dream girl. They did seem to have so much in common what with being fringe culture border line personality types.

On the other hand they didn't think that it was appropriate for James to be bouncing back into the arms of love, or whatever, so soon. He seemed to have skipped the whole penance period. It's not that anyone considered Kat Von D to be any great prize, except for those who never out grew their heavy metal stage. It's just that people objected to JJ being happy so soon after making everyone else so uncomfortable and Sandy Bullock so unhappy. After all he basically ruined her Oscar night!

Well never fear. Things seemed to have worked out - if not for the best then at least 'worked out". KVD seems to have moved on from JJ. She's recently been spotted out and about with other fringe types with borderline personalities (Not Mel Gibson - recent bad experiences have left him gun shy). That doesn't mean that she and JJ are dunzo. Kat gets around and there's plenty to go around. However it doesn't look good for the love birds. Now that the publicity factor has worn off there's not a lot that JJ can do for KVD. He's a failed reality TV star and presently fading too fast to even be worthwhile tabloid fodder. So KVD has every reason to move on. If it can happen to Dave & Courtney it can happen to anyone (Arquette might have been more interesting if he'd cheated with tattooed neo nazi porn stars then revealing that Cox just got tired of being his mom - the mom fetish might have been fun in Mrs. Robinson with Anne Bancroft and Dustin Hoffman, but in real life it's a creepy drag!). Anyone except Demi & AShton - they're in love and they don't care who knows it!



So that should provide closure for almost everyone. Everyone except those anticipating an eventually JJ - KVD reality TV show, and poor Sandra Bullock. However even she might be getting a second shot at love. If the rumours are true Sandy is considering hooking up with the one person with whom she shares so much in common: public image, career trajectory, and unfortunate love life - none other than Jennifer Aniston! Naw, that last part ain't true - but imagine if it were!

Mosque Argument Leads to 'View' Walk-off

gone haywire

There has been a recent occurrence - or maybe outbreak is a better term - of Bill O Reilly. Reilly, like a dormant volcano, had been quietly menacing ever since the unfortunate Dr Tiller "the baby killer" incident. If you'll recall Dr Tiller was the guy doing late term abortions, maybe as a form of Illuminati child blood sacrifice of the Molloch variety, or maybe as an on demand medical service - we can't be sure. Billo took some umbrage at this defiant flouting of Tea Party values,a nd so single the unfortunate physician for special attention. As so often happens, special attention lead to tragedy. An extremist with a gun decided to make Tiller an example for the sake of the sanctity of life. That's just so Dexter, isn't it?

Well Billo, with the shock and remorse of a man who can't believe that anyone was stupid enough to take him seriously, quieted down. He didn't apologize. IN fact he was decided unapologetic on his no spin zone news type show. However he was noticeably quiet, and absent from any venue outside his own FOX forum. Until now. Seems that the whole "Ground Zero Mosque" has Billo madder than a jihadist at a swim suit competition. IN fact when the issue was broached on the View - controversial mosques, not swim suits - Billo got so worked up that he provoked Whoopee into storming out. Don't believe me? See for yourself!



I think it's great that Billo believes in stuff so passionately. That's a bad habit hat most f us grew out of after the mortgage kicked in. Then again maybe the poor man is just dipping into Rush Limbaugh's pill stash. Hopefully there will be no casualties this time.

Still Billo does have a point. Regardless of who did what to whom on 911, you wouldn't open a hamburger stand at a Greenpeace meeting. It would be such poor taste. Besides, the View ladies didn't question that 70% statistic. When liberals are proud of being int he minority then they risk losing touch with the public, not to mention reality in general. So who's up for a delicious Gandhi-burger?

Avril Lavigne's Revealing Shoot

It's been a long time since we've seen much of Avril Lavinge, but we're going to be seeing a lot more of her soon . She plans to doff her duds in an upcoming magazine lay out. Apart from doing lay outs Avril has a new single coming out soon. SO she needs to draw attention to her image without drawing too much attention to her *ahem* talent. You see Avril has some trouble coming up with her own material.

Back in the olden days Avril's songs used to be done by Matrix. Then she had a falling out with them and branched out on her own. By 'on her own' I mean that she started writing songs with Chantal Kreviazuk and Rayne Maida. That didn't work out well partly because Chantal has more ambition than she can manage. So she went from song writer to career coach. She convinced Lavinge to ditch the punk princess image and go for something more mature. SO Avril signed on with Ford models and started wearing pretty pretty dresses. She even gave an interview telling readers that she can do the girl thing. Naturally her punker fans freaked and decided that she was a poser. Another reason it didn't work out is because Kreviazuk doesn't write hits - her only hit songs were covers of other's work.

Kreviazul & Lavinge had a bitter noisy bust up in which Chantal accused Lavinge of being a little thief. CK said in an interview that no one provides boundaries for Lavinge, so that when she feels like plagiarizing stuff no one stops her. Coincidentally Lavinge was sued for plagiarism shortly after, by the Rondells. They claim that Lavinge had lifted their main chord sequence for her song "Boyfriend", unless it was called "Girlfriend".

Lavinge made a public statement denying that she had stolen the song from the Rondells or even knew about the creepy old guy band. However by that time Kreviazuk was getting more involved in the growing ruckus. She pointed out that she'd written a song called Contagious for Lavinge and that a song called Contagious which sounded nothing like Kreviazuk's song was featured on the album. That's when Kreviazuk had become too much trouble and Lavinge's attorney's slapped a legal gag on Kreviazuk. The now gagged and humbled Kreviazuk issued a formal apology/retraction stating that she'd never said the stuff she'd said and that Lavinge is an amazing you g woman.

So that left Lavinge without writing partners, friends, or even a fan base. IN an attempt to revive her faltering career she toured Australia. She managed to piss everyone off with her drunken antics. She wrote some songs with her husband. That didn't work out so she divorced him. She started slutting around a bit, go some tattoos, and not hat the water's under the bridge is makings another stab at recording. Will it work out - probably not, but I doubt that we've heard the last of her.

Courteney Cox and David Arquette Split

David Arquette & Courtney Cox have had a good run. They met on the set of Scream and have been married for 11 years. However you can't fight the law of averages, even in, or especially in, Hollywood. Representatives of the couple have ann0unced that they were officially separated. In fact they have been living apart for a few months now.

"We have agreed to a trial separation that dates back for some time," the duo said in a statement. "The reason for this separation is to better understand ourselves and the qualities we need in a partner and for our marriage. We remain best friends and responsible parents to our daughter and we still love each other deeply. As we go though this process we are determined to use kindness and understanding to get through this together."

"We are comfortable with the boundaries that we have established for each other during this separation and we hope that our friends, family, fans and the media also show us respect, dignity, understanding and love at this time as well."

Cox & Arquette have weathered the usual celebrity relationship crises of counseling, addiction, speculation, and and the fishbowl life style. They seemed to be staying the course and settling into a relatively stable long term partnership. Now news is breaking that Arquette has been cheating and that's what busting things wide open.

Rumour has it, and by rumour I mean that there are pictures - that Arquette has gotten cozy with a hot new chick. She's cocktail waitress Jasmine Waltz, and here are those incriminating photos by way of TMZ!

There now, wasn't that special? It ain't anything that Demi Moore hasn't - probably - turned a blind eye to on numerous occasions. Then again Demi hasn't had her nose rubbed in it tabloid style. That's adds a whole new dimension to disgrace; as Brett Farve could attest to! (BTW the latest on Demi, Ashton, and their beautiful relationship is that they are planning on adopting a baby to prove that there's no truth to the cheating rumours and that they are happier and stronger together than ever! It's not so much a fix it baby as a prove it baby, and so is another prospective celebrity entering Utopia with an inauspicious start.)

In fact numerous gossip blind items have had both Cox and Arquette in an open marriage, with Cox freely bedding her Cougar Town co stars. According to the blinds Arquette knew and was okay with it, since he was getting around himself. It was one of those "If you don't care I don't care" arrangements that have kept European marriages intact for centuries. It was all very sophisticated, until the story leaked. Then thing changed cause the cover on the phony act got blown. Now that "understanding" is an embarrassment to both stars, but especially to aging Courtney.

"We're not having sex, and I completely understand," Arquette, 39, said. "She's in a place of wanting to be real and emotional. She's an emotional being. She's an amazing woman. If it doesn't feel right, she doesn't feel like bonding in that way."

Now this story is still developing. Arquette, the cheater, is also the one most willing to reconcile. He phoned in Howard Stern's Sirius satellite radio show to try and set the record straight by spinning it to his tune. According to Arquette's version Cox stopped having sex with him while they were shooting Scream 4. The separation was also her idea. She came up with that on their 11th wedding anniversary. Her rationale was that she was tired of being Arquette's "mother".

Arquette is also eager to reconcile. He told Stern that Cox was the most amazing person that's he's ever met. He insists also that he did not cheat on Cox, except 'technically' with Waltz. It's the old 'sure we were married but we were also separated, so it doesn't count' loophole. He tales some responsibility for the bust himself - sort off. He acknowledges Cox complaints about his immaturity with "I totally get that!". He also acknowledges that the separation will give him the time he needs at 46 to mature and grow up.

What is clear is that he wants Cox to stick around. Not because he's so hot for her. They haven't done the deed in over 4 months by his own Howard Stern admission. Basically he needs her because she's his only claim to a public profile. Most people who know of Arquette -that is those who do know about him - know him as "the guy that chick from Friends married, you know the comedian". Now Courtney barely has a public image; what she has is 'old times sake' nostalgia. All that Arquette has is that reflected glory. So if they split he's less than nowhere and possibly less than Jesse James - who was at least interesting in his own right. So this relationship is worth fighting for, more so in these economic times. That leaves the rest of us asking how interesting these 2 otherwise uninteresting people might get. Damn it - I hope that this isn't a build up to a reality TV series!

Paltrow & Hudson bitch about Hollywood

Gwenyth Paltrow and Kate Hudson have given interviews to November's issue of Elle Magazine in which they talk about the down side of being a major Hollywood movie star. Now you'd think that they had it made, however the girls want to remind you that it's not all getting dumped by Brad Pitt and getting snapped in embarrassing situations by paparazzi. In fact according to Paltrow some of the most embarrassing situations occur when there isn't a paparazzi around.

According to Paltrow she was just starting out in the business and eager to make a good impression. Now they say that being over eager is a bad thing. In this case the director who was interviewing Paltrow picked up on her desperation and decided he good use that. According to Paltrow he propositioned her. According to Paltrow:

"When I was just starting out, someone suggested that we finish a meeting in the bedroom," she reveals. "I left. I was pretty shocked. I could see how someone who didn't know better might worry, 'My career will be ruined if I don’t give this guy a blow job!'"

It's good that Paltrow 'knew better'. You should only blow some one for love, not for career advancement! However Paltrow goes on to point out that there are worse things that can befall you in Hollywood, like growing old. Then the boys don't ask for blow jobs anymore. Says Gwennie:

"There’s a lot that’s okay, but there’s little that's really good, especially for someone my age," she says. "Sometimes you find out that something you really liked is going to someone 10 years younger. I find it heartening that Meryl Streep and Sandra Bullock have been able to find and create amazing projects."

It could be worse. the moderately cute and, moderation talented Kate Hudson talks about the upside downside of having a famous mother:

"Apart from the fact that she’s my mother, she’s a brilliant comedian and a force as a producer," she says. "She paved the way for women to produce and star in their own films and to balance that with being the matriarch of our family is really inspiring."

She just sounds like she's choking on her resentment. It must be so rough having everything handed to you (it's certainly rough when everyone else in the world knows that.). Poor Kate, she had to miss out on the character building experiences of giving stranger directors blow jobs. However that doesn't stop her from agreeing with Paltrow on one point - in Hollywood gals get the short end of the stick, one way or another:

"tend to be dispensable. I have faith that we can make female-driven films that are as interesting to men as they are to women."

So those ladies sound pretty sore about their red carpet ride. Hillary Swank was also interviewed and managed to come up with some complaints, though hers were more low key. Swank complains that she felt let down after Million Dollar Baby because her other roles weren't as successful. I'm not sure that less pissed off translates into more grateful, but it was a change at least.

If you want to hear more regrets about lives misspent, then check out the upcoming issue of Elle Magazine.

PS this article is not in any way shape or form a promo for Elle Magazine, though I'm receiving many unrelated promotional deals from them ;).

For some more news that you need to hear, here's the View From Space with Gary The Spaceman Bell.

A meme is born

Every so often an idea catches on and goes viral. When it does it's called a meme, and it's usually a picture or gif, maybe even a short video clip like Keyboard Cat. The latest such meme involves Matrix actor Keanu Reeves.

Like many successful celebrities Keanu's had a rough life. His long term girlfriend drove her car off a cliff while under the influence of cocaine. This happened shortly after their child was delivered still born (Marylin Manson was implicated in the death of Keanu's girlfriend since he is believed to have been the one to supply her with the cocaine. According to some reports he then either sent her home in her car, or called her to come back to his place after she'd successfully made it home.). That's a terrible blow but it didn't stop Keanu from being one of the nicest guys in the business. He bought crew members on the Matrix their own motor bike, for one thing. Still those kind of tragedies have to leave a mark.

Whether or not they left an imprint, the hunky actor has been seen looking sad quite a bit lately. The recent pictures of Keanu on his birthday, shown wandering the streets of New York City looking lost and disheveled, and stopping for a solitary snack of a cupcake, made therounds of the Internet. Since Reeves is one of the genuinely best liked of Hollywood actors, the actor's apparent angst made his many fans uncomfortable. As often happened they responded to the discomfort with black humour. By black humour I mean that a whole bunch of "Sad Kenau" photmanips began showing up on message boards. Here are a few such photomanips that popped up on the Internet's premier celebrity gossip message board Gossiprocks:





Now all y'all can have a portable Sad Keanu!












































So what are we to make of this? Making a game out of some one's sadness seems cruel, but it might not be personal. It might just be an attempt to understand the phenomenon by re contextualizing it: putting it in combination after combination after combination in an attempt to gain some feel or insight. It might also be an attempt to deal with our own awkwardness in the presence of that kind of low key "I'd ask 'what's the point is I still gave a damn" malaise (Keanu does seem surreally detached in the original photos and the copies seem to emphasize that). If we can say one thing with relative certainty, it could give birth to new and more dangerous memes, like Prancing Michael Sera or Silly Leo Dicaprio!

Incidentally this whole thing got started with an article reporting that "Sad Keanu talks to himself alone on birthday". So that started people speculating on how rough things were for him. Now it should be pointed out that talking to yourself isn't unusual for people in that profession. Even some of the most grounded Hollywood actors have been known to have an 'off moment', like this!