Parents are asked to be on the look out for a powerful new form of marijuana going by the street name MK Ultra. It comes from a special genetically engineered strain of cannabis designed to effect people like crack or crystal meth. In fact it is so hallucinogenic that you can flip out after only one use. For instance one teenage girl who tried MK Ultra was discovered by her parents after locking her self in the wash room and trying to flush her cell phone down the toilet, because she thought it was controlling her mind. When they confronted her she merely stared at them and started making gibberish noise "brrrrrr, brrrr, brrrr!" In another case a single mom was reported to police after she began wandering around her back yard naked. When police arrived she kept telling them her name was Anne Heche, though neighbors said she was called Celestia. Police booked her in as Suzie Cheesecake!
The point is that anyone can have a bad day. It's when those bad days start ganging up on you that you've got some serious problems. Speaking of which here's todays celebrity gossip!
Squeaky clean singer with squeaky clean voice goes Celebrity Jihad!
Bernie Madoff is sick of people treating him like he's Saddam Hussein!
So even the beautiful people can have some rough moments. The point is that at least they're better off than Mumar Qaddafi! The only positive thing that's happened to him lately is that he has finally made computer spell check - fame at last! He's also better off than hard pressed reporter Chandler Smythe who falls asleep with a hangover and wakes up with vigor mortis! Chandler features in our special Wondertrash Halloween presentation of Good vs Evil episode 1 - Orange Volvo!!
Looks like the Lohan Family are having bad luck litigation wise these days. First Lindz gets her ticket pulled for violating probation. She got hauled off in cuffs for that, without bail. Now her dad Michael is in a spot of bother over his ex Kate Major. Michael was supposed to stay away from major due to some kind of pesky restraining orders - those things are the most formidable barrier to true love and psychotic stalkerish obsession! Now Mike claims that Kate was calling him the whole night and that he only returned the call. The judge said that wasn't the point - the point was that there was an officer at Major's listen on speaker phone when he called back. Plus there was that incident where he broke down her door or something and then had to escape by jumping off of her balcony. Upshot is that Mieky's gonna miss a lot of important appointments like his daughter's court date and Dr Drew's Celebrity Rehab! It couldn't have happened a t a worse time because Reality TV needs Michael Lohan now more than ever before!
Now the judge might have come off as a little bit harsh, what with not giving a damn about Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, but you can't balme her for playing to the cameras. There's an important Michael Jackson Conrad Murray trial going on so you have to fight for every viewer!
BTW Halloween is coming up fast. Now there's more to Fright Night then arson and ritual blood sacrifice; there's also eye catching costumes. There's one costume that always makes an impression, and even some people you know of have tried her on for size!
When it rains it pours in the Lohan Family. Lindsay is busted and naked - that is here probation got revoked so now she's posing nude in Playboy. She's going full on frontal for 1 million, and was offered another million for her vagina, but turned it down since her younger sister was gonna be sitting in on the shoots and Lindz wanted to keep everything within family values parameters - Lohan standards anyway.
Now her felonious father Michael has got himself busted again! Now if you'll recall Mikey tends to get in trouble with the law from time to time. It has something to do with his volatile Irish tempers, and the assortment of sluts he hangs around with. The last case was with tabloid vixen Kate Major. She worked with the Star until she fell in love with Jon Gosselin and then dumped him for Lohan. Well sooner or later push came to shove. Push 'n' shove in that case meant - according to Kate, that Mikey came home tanked up and pushed her out of a chair and unto the floor. He frightened her so bad that she had top call the cops and have him charged with domestic battery assault, or some such charge. Now this was serious cause Kate don't frighten easy. She's seen Jon Gosselin naked for one thing!
That's old news since the chair flipping incident occurred several months/couple of years back, while they were still together and just as one of Mikey's many probation sentences was running out. There's been a lot of water under the bridge since then, but some things never change. Like Michael. With his daughter's misfortunes still fresh in the tabloid headlines Mikey has once more gotten himself into hot water and once again it was over trashy cutie Kate Major ("the crowd is for you juicy waitress!"). Seems that Lohan was trying to confront his estranged ex when things got out of hand. Then they got stuck in a tree. Sounds like the sort of trouble only a Lohan can get into! Just take a look at the following short video for the dirty details!
After reading such stories you might find yourself asking "what the fuck is wrong with these people?" Well the answer is, to paraphrases the words of Charlie Sheen - the Warlock, they're special. That's why you can't process them with a normal brain. In fact they are so special that some believe celebs are actually reptoids, or reptilians. If you follow the conspiracy beat then you know that reptoids are a separate species that disguise themselves using holograms so that they can walk unseen amongst us, sabotage our economy, poison our minds with reality TV, and spike our children's milk with vaccine serums. They are the descendents of the dinosaurs who went under ground after the asteroid hit 65 million years ago, and have been trying to regain the planet from the primates ever since. It's kind of what HG Wells was hinting at with the Morlocks and the Elohim in The Time Machine. AS a card carrying member of the Illuminati Wells was privy to these secrets, which are generally with held from the rest of us.
If you don't follow the conspiracy beat and want to find out more about these creatures then take a look at the following short but informative video!
An adventure begins when a mistake is made so let's start with a false step from Steven Tyler!
Now let's move on to the serious misadventurers, like Amy Winehouse. Everyone knew whey the talented but unfortunate singer died at 27 - but now it's official: too much alcohol!
When Michael Jackson moon walked off the mortal coil he took some guilty bystanders with him, like Doc Hollywood Conrad Murray. Murray was one of the few physicians who still made house calls in this day and age - but much good it did him.
To hear Pres Barack Obama talk you'd think that the job of president was one big misadventure - nah just kidding, he really thinks it totals rocks. Hear it for yourself as he goes Art Linkletter with a 7 year old.
So if you want to scale the heady heights of fame then remember to get off on the right foot, or at least kept your best face forward; cause the only thing worse than stumbling is falling on your face!
... and remember that the Occupy Movement ain't for real until you Occupy Hollywood!
Things have been a little rough for Lindsay Lohan lately - what with her career drying up and her bail getting revoked. Only recently poor Lindz was lead out of her court hearing in handcuffs - shamed and humiliated before the prying eyes of the world! It looks like the chips are down but don't you worry about her cause Ms. Lohan has a fall back plan and one that could net her a cool million!
Now let's get Wendy Williams' take on Lindz -
What's behind the incredible success of Texas Governor Rick Perry in the poles? It could be his telegenic image, it could be the opposition of radio conspiracist Alex Jones, or it could be his special brand of mindless catchy gibberish! So sit back now with some hot yellow cool aid and take a look at the best of Rick Perry, via Bad Lip Reading, and remember to Save A Pretzel For The Gas Jets - it's a slogan for the new millineum!
Rick Perry certainly talks a good game but he's got some stiff competition. Mitt Romney for instance, can spout of gobble gook as well as nay and better than most! Take a look -
Wow - compared to him Michelle Bachmann sounds jsut plain retared!
That chick must've done some real bad drugs in her day, cause she's makin' less sense than the bastard offspring of George W Bush and Miss South Carolina!
Bad lip reading comes naturally to some people like such as the lovely Ms SC! Hey, maybe she should run for Pres! She makes about as much sense as any of them so far. When it comes to not making sense the Democrats are still a force to be reckoned with. That's because they're headed by the man who's shown you that change erally means more of the same. He's the Master of Disaster and the Lord high Mayor of Mayhem, none other than Barack Obama, and here he is to trick the bridesmaid!
When it comes to verbal diarrhea celebs can match pro politicos any day of the week. Let's take a look at "alleged" country singer Taylor Swift while she "goes off like a dumb girl"!
So I guess that the point is that it's time to stand up and be counted - because some do the Olympics and some defy the titans. Which you are depends on what kind of wondertrash you're made out of!
Robert Downey Jr. recently made an emotional public appeal on behalf of beleaguered superstar Mel Gibson. In Downey’s words Gibson has “hugged the cactus long enough”. In Gibson’s case he not only hugged the cactus, but took it to bed and tried to screw it! On a personal level, the fall of the Iron Curtain was a catastrophe for Mr Gibson. However it might have been much worse. Had Glasnost not prevailed in ruining the society it was supposed to preserve, then Oksana Grigorieva might’ve fucked her way to the top of the Communist food chain. She would then have been in a position to wreck havoc on the entire world as some polit bureau big shot’s psychotic mistress:
A member of the Vodka Cabinet
“Go on and push the button like a man, or I’ll never sleep with you again. Besides I’ve made tape recordings of your many treasonous statements which I will release to your enemies unless you prove you’re a man for me by starting World War 3!”
“But I can’t! No one member of the inner circle can push the button. Each member has a key, and the launch sequence requires all the keys!”
“Excuses is all I ever get from you! If you were any kind of a real man then you would find a way!”
“My God this bitch is crazy but what can I do? She’s even hidden the key to the vodka cabinet so I can’t think this situation through clearly. It’s so bad that I spend the nights alone in the kitchen with the lights off, trying to squeeze the juice out of potatoes!”
Johnny English neat with no chaser
Fortunately Oksana never got to join the Vodka Cabinet, not even as some power jockey’s dangerously psychotic fuck. Had she then James Bond might not have stopped her. Especially with those hokey scripts that were getting written just prior to Daniel Craig revitalizing the franchise! They were the usual campy productions, only worse, and featured dialogue like such as:
“What’s this Q? Is safe sex the new MI5 policy? Politically erect you might say.”
“Don’t be trite 007. The outside of this condom is coated with truth serum - just in case you need to pump some one for information!”
That lead up to:
“So tell me Ms. Cunnitwat, what is Dr. Goatee’s plan for world domination. Remember you have to tell the truth because my condom is coated with truth serum - but why am I telling you this? Oh damn it, I put the thing on inside out!”
Evil is a fearful master, a dangerous servant, and the source of much bad entertainment!
Give 007 a break on the condoms. He’s not used to using them. However such a scenario just proves how useless he might have been against Oksana. In fact he was since the poor man - as Timothy Dalton - was involved with her for awhile! As for the Bond series, for a while it was endanger of becoming as bad as that family based sit com that was planned, several years ago, for Roseanne Barr and Sam Kinnison! Dr. Goatee did have an excellent side kick henchman though, in the form of a freakish heavy named Mr. Thug. Thug was the mutant offspring of a long line of genetically engineered clones bred to serve evil. Though the script bombed, Thug eventually did find employment with Dick Cheney!
So things might have worked out very differently. Then again, if things were different they wouldn’t be the same. Like if Homer Simpson had been trying to write “Disco Dude” on his jacket instead of “Disco Stud” then Disco Stu would be Disco Dud. Think about it!
Matinee at the Bijou
Makes you stop and think doesn’t it? Like the way Tony Curtis got into the movies. He stumbled into the business when the Bowery Boys chased him into a local theater. Back then he was Bernie Schwartz and the boys would chase him through the streets trying to catch him and beat him up. The local theater was a perfect hideout because they’d show 5 features back to back for 11 cents admission. So the Boys couldn’t follow him in because it was the Depression and they couldn’t come up with 11 cents between them. 6 cents was as close as they could come, not including Snatch’s wooden nickle - which only made Slip curse him as a “maroon” and beat him mercilessly over the head with his cap! The point is that you never know where life is gonna take you, so hang in there, Mel. Right now it’s gonna take you to the theater, with our Wondertrash Goes to the Movies weekend feature. So sit back and enjoy the following public domain offering!
Now this was a long time coming, so enjoy it one more time.
Oh yeah and Aussie model Megan Gale who was almost Wonder Woman in the movie that never got made was spotted out in public with her new boyfriend. This is news because she was keeping him under wraps for awhile. So much so that some were speculating that he might be invisible, or an imaginary boyfriend - like the unpopular girls in high school used to have. Well Meggers guy is flesh and blood, and gorgeous. He's Shaun Hampson and plays foot ball or something. So her ex Andy Lee better make sure that the split stays "amicable" like he claims - even though Meggers has been getting a lot of blow back in the Down Under Media for some reason - her ex's profession being merely coincidental 'cause I'm sure he wouldn't go spreading shit around about her while getting her to agree to a classy split - no not Andy; or he could be getting some free dental work!
Now here's a special music video dedication for Ms. Lindsay Lohan.
Looks like the long arm of the law has finally caught up with Lindsay Lohan. Superior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner revoked Lindsay Lohan's probation at a hearing Wednesday. Lohan was taken into custody after Sautner ruled that she was in violation of her probation by getting kicked out of a community service assignment. Lindsay is being held on 100 000 bail, and will have to work about 16 hours a week at a morgue as part of a new community service deal, until her next hearing in Novemeber. Meantime Lohan was carted off in handcuffs to jail.
In other news Shania Twain's stalker Dr. Giovanni (John) Palumbo will be held without bail. Palumbo was being tried on criminal harassment and to breaching a court order. Palumbo didn't take the verdict very kindly, and told the court "You're all very sick. Very sick. All of you. Have fun. I know I'm going to. You know why? I care about the creator, the true creator. All of you, I can see none of you do. You're not going to make me schizophrenic, you're not going to make me crazy. What a bunch of psychopaths."
Twain testified she had received letters from Palumbo in 2009 in which he professed his love for her. She said that she often received such correspondence from small children, but not adult men, and grew nervous upon receipt of the letters.
Palumbo, 51, was jailed on March 27 after he was arrested at Toronto's Air Canada Centre during an appearance by Twain at the Juno Awards. He also tried to get close to Twain at her Muskoka cottage and attempted to attend her mother's funeral.
Of course Shania only has herself to blame. She shouldn't have been sending that poor man secret love messages coded into her songs! She should've realized that the poor man wouldn't know how to take, and then go spoil the fun by stalking. That Shania always was a mean little tease!
Pulling off the right balance between cynical and naive
Kelsey Grammer has some strong words about ex wife Camille. According to Kelsey Camille only wanted him because he was, or used to be, Frasier on TV. So he went on Piers Morgan to let the world know about it. Now he didn't exactly call her a heartless gold digging bitch, or not in some many words. He certainly let a lot for the audience to infer. The difference between imply and infer is a wink, or in other words - "I didn't mean that, but you know how to take a hint; so draw your own conclusions if you know what to make of it - nudge, nudge, wink, wink!" It's the kindly of heavily nuanced alleged wordplay that can keep you out of the libel courts!
Here's a short excerpt from that interview.
Frasier wasn't the only one with some strong words to share with the public. When Robert Ironman Downey had top pick up one of those celebrities are always getting he requested that Mel be the one to present it. Then he gave a lengthy pro Mel speech. While not as 'heavily nuanced as Kelsey's anti wife rant, it did come off as brave and from the heart, or as close as you can't get to that in "the wrong industry".
I’m risking fatwah just by bringing you the following story!
There’s more to life than celebrity gossip, like conspiracies and other irrational fears. Ever since the Underwear Bomber snuck on board an international flight with a rocket on his pocket America has become painfully aware of how low radical Jihadist will go to inflict their religious fanaticism on the west. That has lead to a painful era of TSA crotch grabs. So ordinary Americans have been subjected to invasive security checks as airport officials rolled up their sleeves and got their hands dirty by go up close and personal right up to the elbows. Some of us had nothing to worry about. In our cases it’s painfully obvious that there’s nothing explosive or dangerous in our underwear. Joe Blow, on the other hand, got quietly outraged as government minions probed their wives’ and daughters’ nether regions just in case they might be packing more than God gave them. The friendly skies are getting friendlier and no one is happy about it. However reasonable people realize that when some one is willing to pack their underpants with high explosives to make a point then anything is possible.
little terrors are holy terrors!
It seems that radical Moslem extremists will go to any lengths in their on going war against the West and our freedoms which they hate so much. That brings me to the latest terror threat - exploding baby bombs! It’s getting harder and harder to sneak the usual weapons of mass destruction, like such as box cutters and carpet knives, through the tightened airport security (one extreme jihadist did manage to get an Emory board through, and threatened to file a stewardess’ nails down to the cuticles; but the plane landed before he could make good on the threat). However don’t underestimate Jihadists’ intelligence. It was only a matter of time before they found a way to penetrate our security. There latest tactic is something insidious and aimed to take advantage of Americans’ trusting nature. It seems that the Muslim terrorists are now planning to load babies with explosives in order to sneak them past airport security checkpoints!
Women and children still pose the greatest threat to democracy!
The average baby’s diaper has enough extra space to carry sufficient plastic explosive to bring down a 767! It’s also the perfect hiding place. No TSA official, now matter how depraved, is gonna stick their hot little hand down a bulging baby diaper to find out what’s really in there. Anyone far gone enough to try can easily be put off by the protests of an outraged Muslim mother. “First you want me to take off my hejab, now you want to look in my baby’s diaper! How far must you go to humiliate our Arab honour? This is worse than Guantanamo Bay!” Invoking the images of humiliated terrorists stripped down and wearing women’s panties, but in the innocent baby context, is enough to make even the most hardened official back down as they contemplate the possible PR backlash, and career repercussions.
you can’t always count on a dirty diaper saving the day!
There have already been a number of stand offs that haven’t made the news. For instance one young Arab woman, wielding her baby bomb, recently held Homeland Security officials at bay for hours as she threatened to detonate her child in the middle of a crowded airport. Pleas to put the baby down and remove her hejab were ignored. Homeland Security personnel eventually had to run for cover as the woman lit the fuse, cunningly disguised as a dangling umbilical cord! A major crisis was fortunately avoided when the bomb fizzled, due to an unchanged, wet diaper.
You can never be too clean when there’s a dirty job to do!
The stunt was a dud, but the point is that it could have worked. A little more attention to hygiene and we might have wound up hearing about it on CNN! The terrorists know this to. So they are now arming the Islamic Mothers of Darkness with wet wipes, baby powder, and spare disposable diapers for trans oceanic plane trips. This way they can keep their little terrors dry and ready to go, should the occasion call for the ultimate sacrifice. Plus it helps keep the youngsters smelling relatively fresh! It’s their ability to adapt by learning from their mistakes that makes Al Qaeda so dangerous!
Booby traps and breast bombardment
Al Qaeda has an even moire dangerous characteristics, a knowledge of their enemies’ weaknesses & the ability to think big. They know that Americans are hopelessly sentimental about children. So they are no amassing a small army of “baby bombs” and are ready to deploy them on the West! To that end babies from the Mid East are recruited, and then indoctrinated with Koran readings and round the clock viewing of old Osama bin Laden tapes - dubbed over with the voice of Barney the Dinosaur. They are told that it is their honour to die for the faith. Plus they are further encouraged with the promise of 72 virgins waiting for each and every baby martyr once they reach Islamic heaven. Though adults might wonder what interest babies might have in nubile young virgins, the youngsters are quite excited by the prospect of round the clock breast feeding in paradise!
What to do with those little brats!
That leaves Homeland Security and their subsidiary organization, the TSA, with a problem. They are reluctant to go diving into to babies diapers. Apart from the possible PR backlash, there is the even more disturbing possibly of the diaper bulge not being explosives, but what nature intended. Americans will make many sacrifices for their country, such as their personal freedoms, responsible government, the truth, etc; but they don’t like getting their hands dirty! Putting all babies on an across the board no fly list was also discussed, and with some enthusiasm. That idea was eventually discarded due to the massive inconvenience to non terrorist air travellers. Finally a more strategic approach was hit upon. We could disarm the baby bomb army by exporting our cultural values to the Arab World.
Spreading viruses of liberty!
So Homeland Security now has a broad and far reaching plan to turn Islamic children into the same kind of disobedient and belligerent brats we’ve become accustomed to here in the West. Through a United Nations front organization highly processed junk food will be distributed to children through out the Middle East. Celebrities such as the socially conscious Angelina Jolie have been recruited to hand out chocolate bars and Big Mac’s to school children throughout the Terror Zone. Arab women will also be encouraged to park their kids in day care. This will not only give Arab women more time to become discontent and politically active, but break the important mother infant bond! It’s hard for a mother to convince a child to carry high explosives in their underwear when the child sees the mother so seldom that they scarcely know who she is! Also Arab youth will be bombarded with American reality TV and entertainment gossip magazines to make them confused and apathetic. After that they will be softened up for Project Ritalin! Then comes Operation Planned Parenthood!
Keep you eyes open for suspicious bulges - Paranoia is only common sense run amok!
The good news is that this plan should work in the Middle East just like it has here, in about 10 to 15 years. In the meantime the world will have to deal with a generation of tiny terrors as they wait for the next generation of tattooed & body pierced delinquent to take over. So we have to be cautious. That requires some basic common sense. For one thing is you see an Arab baby resist the urge to pick it up or tickle it under the chin. A quick jerk on the umbilical cord, or a push on the belly button, from the mother, might set the child off like a 4rth of July fireworks spectacular! Also if you see a child with saggy diapers, but who smells unusually fresh, then phone Homeland Security right away. The nose knows! You’ll not only be saving your own life, but the lives of everyone around you, and saving the infant from breast feeding bombardment in Moslem Heaven from eager virgins anxious to avoid more onerous duties! Finally, be sure to check suspicious looking babies for signs that the have been drugged or otherwise mind controlled. They might be mini Manchurian Candidates! There is the disturbing possibility that this may be some kind of CIA false flag trick to step up public paranoia as a pretense to curb more of those American Freedoms that we are so proud of! I hate to sound like some kind of tin foil hatter, but in these times you can’t be too vigilant!
Coming soon: Oh shit! the colostomy bags of doom.
Something pedantic - because a mind is a terrible thing to waste, and brain washing can be a dirty job!
PS We’ve been doing some brainwashing stories on Wondertrash lately. Mostly of the Monarch Mind Control variety.The idea is that most celebrities have been subjected to MK Ultra type mental programming (usually through their drama school exercises which involve visualization techniques very similar to the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius of Loyola - so what does that tell you about the Illuminati connection!) that has turned them into drug tripping party over drive burn outs that flip out. Naturally that has lead to some strange letters, like the following.
Dear Wondertrash:
I need your advice. One of our tenets killed themselves lately. That leaves me with the problem of how to get their brains out of the carpet. Do you know what gets grey matter out of shag rugs. I’ve heard the club soda works. Love your blog.
Yours sincerely
Brainwasher
Let me be clear, I am not an expert on brainwashing. Just a highly experienced subject! Besides that’s a different kind of brainwashing. In fact you’re not really washing brains, you’re washing rugs. Maybe you could just replace the rug. Please keep those letters coming! Yours might be the next to get posted!
James Reston wrote in The New York Times (July 7, 1957): A health director . . . reported this week that a small mouse, which presumably had been watching television, attacked a little girl and her full-grown cat .... Both mouse and cat survived, and the incident is recorded here as a reminder that things seem to be changing.
I know people, who eavesdrop on other people!
Autumn is upon us and the new TV season has begun with a vengeance. New TV season is usually a build up to some pretty poor offerings. So if you’re complaining about how bad everything is just remember that it could’ve been worse. A Wondertrash operative recently over heard the following conversation at a Starbucks somewhere in the Thirty Mile Zone:
Writer: I’m really excited about my new project.
Friend: What is it?
Writer: It’s a script for a TV series called “Ticklish Heracles”!
Friend: “Ticklish Heracles”? What’s it about?
Writer: It’s like regular Heracles except he’s extremely ticklish. So everything becomes a build up for him getting tickled and laughing boisterously!
Friend: That’s not a great idea. In fact it’s a really, really awful idea!
Writer: You’re right. I guess it is more of a Saturday Night Live skit.
It only hurts when I laugh
Now the friend might’ve been a bit harsh. It is a nice send up parody of the usual TV action “Don’t push my buttons” formula used in series like the Incredible Hulk & Kung Fu. Don’t make Ticklish Heracles angry because you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry, unless you’re making him angry by tickling him! Plus it effectively writes the laugh track right into the action. So this is what the TV industry refers to as “groundbreaking” & “innovative”.
Julia Voth with the Golden Ass
Also I hear that Canadian hottie Julia Voth had been tentatively cast as the female lead - Heracles’ chick. So the viewers had lots of scenes of toga clad Julia being tied to pillars to look forward to. “Heracles help me!”, “I can’t - HA HA HA - They’re tickling me! HA HA HA!” It’s a little like The Golden Ass on drugs & the idea is clearly not ready for prime time - although prime time is catching up with a vengeance! For an indication of just how fast they’re catching up, take a look at some of the exciting offerings that the TV industry has in store for us the season!
Sorry, wrong year.
wrong again - it does kinda bleed together don't it? Here's the current stuff!
Ho ho ho Jolly Green Giant
TV isn’t so much as sleeping giant as a comatose and possibly brain damaged one! Maybe Ticklish Heracles is starting to look a little better! Don’t worry because you might actually being seeing him turn up on Saturday Night Live soon. Now I’m not saying that the SNL people read this blog; just hat they’re desperate for ideas. The downside is that if he does turn up in that venue it will be without the lovely Ms. Voth in toga bondage to sell the idea. In the meantime we still have sports and reality TV to distract (rather than entertain) us. Failing that turn to drugs! They’re less brain damaging!
Bunnies are a big deal. Ever since they invaded the island continent of Australia people realized they needed watching. Of course many already figured that out from watching they mayhem these warm cuddly creatures regularly created in Saturday morning children’s cartoons. It seemed like they were constantly thwarting attempts to murder them, often with the use of mallets, high explosives, and even spring loaded boxing gloves - often provided by ACME Inc., probably free in exchange for product placement.
It was only a matter of time before these menaces found their way into popular culture - a wasteland that like the Australian Outback is tailor made for them. Hugh Hefner introduced the bunny to the world back in the 60's through his chain of fetish cocktail clubs. There hard up unfaithful swingers could be waited on by attractive young women in rabbit costumes - floppy ears, fuzzy tail, etc. I even hear that the original costume featured oversized plastic “Bugs Bunny” teeth, which were quickly phased out - possibly following some injuries.
Hefner’s strain of Playboy Bunny proved even more popular than the cartoon breed. Soon we were up to our ear holes in grinning, bulging young varmints who were on the make with a vengeance. They sported every charm plastic surgery, and Hef’s substantial check book, could provide, up to and including over bites of buck toothed cartoon rabbit proportions! Hef made a good living marketing human bunnies for public consumption. The trouble started when these things began getting loose and roaming at large - free range bunnies began making trouble!
The first one to really get in the public eye was Anna Nicole “Big Bunny” Smith. Once she got a taste of the Golden Carrot she decided she liked it, and went on pursuing it with a vengeance that Bugs might envy! She left no stone unturned - plastic surgery, mercenary marriage, and even videoed herself giving birth to daughter Dannilynn so that the footage could be marketed! Anna eventually came to grieve, but not before she made a major mess out of her own live, the lives of her family and acquaintances, not to mention the Marshal clan - that;’s the family of the 90 something oil billionaire she married for true love back in the 90's. Hey, it was the Clinton era!
Now people should’ve learned their lesson from ANS, and started treating these fluffy fearsome creatures with as much trepidation as the Monty Python Knights faced that killer rabbit in Holy Grail! Unfortunately the beast was loose - and the Aussie can tell you how hard those mangy critters are to handle once they get a foothold. Anyhow there was a five hundred channel universe for them to roam free in now. In fact there was far more air space than there was content to fill it. That’s why they invented Reality TV. So it seemed like there couldn’t be too much harm done by these friendly menaces. Soon bunnies were popping up everywhere, in The Bunnies Next Door Playboy reality TV show, as Gene Simmons sig other in Family Jewels, in the form of Gene Simmons sig other Shannon Tweed, and even in the news if you count the local weather slut or Katie Curic on the Evening News! Tom Cruise even tossed his long time partner Nicole Kidman for creepy bunny Katie Holmes. Australia knows no respite from these beasts!
With the rise of Britney Spears & Scarlett Johansson it looked that bunnies had not only gone mainstream but were about to gain a credibility that they had heretofore not enjoyed. It was only when a rare breed of Alaskan Killer Bunny, named Sarah Palin, started to invade America’s capitol, & even beginning to encroach within the belt way, that the public started to become fully conscious of the threat. Bearing a relentless smile, Sarah gnawed away on the collective mind of her country like some rogue bunny working it’s fearsome choppers through a cabbage patch! It was touch and go for awhile, and even David Letterman had about as much luck dealing with her as Elmer Fudd. Eventually the Alaskan Killer Bunny was deflected into the realms of reality TV and the tabloids - where she burned herself out. Another critter nearly invaded the White House by attaching herself to pres Candidate John “Pretty Boy” Edwards. However she was an extremely destructive version; ruining Edwards character, marriage, and career before he could get her anywhere near the Nation’s # 1 position. It worked out like a virus destroying it’s host! However It was a close call.
So where does that leave bunnies in the future? By now they’ve left such a track wreckord - in the form of the usual trail of wreckage, that the public should be well aware of the threat posed! However there still seems to be a place for these worthless destructive creatures. Word has it that Charlie’s Angels is rebooting, and going back to what was the original title and premise of the 1st series. Produces say that they are adding much more jiggle and fluff to the series, and plan to rename it “Bunny Squad”.Producers claim they were inspired by the small Southern town that announced plans to give the local Sherif’s dept. a public image make over by hiring Hooter’s girls as officers. Citing that “It worked for Hooters”, the sherif claimed that public attitudes towards law enforcement might improve if officers were perceived as more friendly and attractive! He also claimed that there was some enthusiastic support for the proposal, though only from small town criminals - “Are you gonna take me away officer?” “I might have to cuff and taser you too!” “Then the day only gets better. Lead on Sgt Pepper!“ ”Oh she’s Pepper. I’m Salty!” “Hallalujah!” As it turned out the whole report, that started the Charlie’s Angels reboot, was an article in The Onion - a herb so refreshingly toxic that even bunnies avoid it! - but by then the damage was done. Once it gets started it’s hard to stop. For instance I hear that David E Kelley is trying to get his Wonder Woman pilot redone in a new fluff and jiggle format tentatively titled Wonder Bunny! Just don’t get your carrot stuck in the Magic Lasso of Truth!
Sir Paul McCartney has gotten married, again, to Nancy Shevell. So hopefully thrid times the charm and this arrangement will work out better than his previous hook up to Shit Hag. Since Sir Paul is a big deal there were cameras everywhere. As a result the festivities got caught on tape and u0ploaded to the net. Here's a peep.
Things may be looking up for Sir Paul but it's more of the same for disgrace golfer Tiger Woods. Woods used to be the best in the world. That's before he got caught cheating with hordes of slutty women. Then his wife didn't hit him with a golf club after finding a bunch of sext messages on his cell while the Tiger dozed happily on his usual nightly Ambien overdose. incidentally Ambien will make you horney so if you got a touch of John Kennedy Syndrome then stay off the stuff or you'll be crankin' your wang like Glenn Quagmire!
Anyhow what with not being beaten senseless by his wife - and that's his official story, and being humiliated in front of the world by his array of 'goddess' - that might make Charlie Tiger's Blood Sheen envious - Tiger got nervous and lost his touch. Nowadays the former ace couldn't hit the broad side of a bordello with a bazooka. He has become the but of fan mockery, as the following short video clip shows. PS no wieners were harmed in the filming of this viddy. The were long dead and processed into zombie meat before they ever got anywhere near the camera.
What does Ewan Mcgregor know about love? Well enough to star in a new film that he describes as very romantic. He even goes so far asd to admit falling in love with his co star "on paper, in the script". Wow - what a madman! Anyway he also knows enough to fill up a brief interview - about 2 minutes. But be warned, the interview isn't about love, that's what the film is about. The interview is to promote the flick. So the interview is about love in as much as it's about a movie about love. In other words it's strictly business.
That love talk may have come off a little tame even by the standards of Brit romance, but here's some one who's never afraid to speak there mind, even if what they have to share comes in four letter words. The some one is Deena, from Jersey Shore, and she recently got hot and bother while out clubbing. She got so hot and bothered that she shot from the lip, and called some one a "scumbag". Now that's the kind of fiery passion you just don't find in dreary Brit romances (they really should stick to comedy). Now here's the video so you can see it for yourselves!
Actually I think she stood up to a scumbag, but I stopped paying attention to that jersey Shore bunch awhile ago. I also stopped paying attention to the while Twilight phenomenon. In fact the only way Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattison could be interesting is if they came out and announced they were dating each other, or appearing on Dancing with the Stars (give it time, they'll get there). Either that or get themselves tossed into rehab (and according to some of RPat's interviews, where he opens up about a serious problem with moderate drinking, he could be on the way!). Some people seem to still find them interesting cause they did manage to fill up a room while promoting their new Breaking Dawn flick. Of course most of those attendees were entertainment journalists. It was their job to be there, plus they were lured in with complimentary food, drink, and other assorted freebees! Here's how that went.
Speaking of Dancing With the Stars, there's been some kind of shocker or something. It's not Chaz Bono getting disqualified, cause that would only happen in the Olympics. It's yet another thing that many have stopped paying attention to except for those paid to pay attention, like Wendy Williams. She also has an update on Kanye West's latest outburst. KWest recently debuted his latest fashion line and the critics were less than complimentary, which is their job. Now Kanye can get worked up when he gets crossed. So here's a clip from the WW Show to give you the low down on that.
