Former LOST star is a drunken slack jawed jerk (allegedly)!
I'm not gonna say that Matthew Fox is a drunken slack jawed jerk who likes to beat up on women 'cause that would be inflammatory as well as defamatory. So let's just say that the former LOST star got beat up by a chick recently. "How'd that happen?" you might ask. Well Matt was drunk out of his mind and wandering around in public - usually a bad idea for a celeb, or in Cleveland Ohio in this case when he got a little confused. He was leaving a bar ans trying to do the responsible thing by getting a ride home. Unfortunately the poor man didn't seem to know what the fuck he was doing, since he tried to crawl into bus driver Heather Borman's vehicle uninvited. Heather had the following to say to Fox & TMZ
"He just kept staring at me with his mouth wide open and not saying anything. I told him, 'You have to leave buddy. You are trespassing on my bus,'" she said.
The actor then reportedly leaned in and began punching Bormann in the breast and crotch area. She retaliated and punched the actor in the mouth, causing "a cut on his lip," according to the police report.
"I took one hand to his jaw and he was spitting blood. He stumbled backwards," Bormann told TMZ.
"This was my self-defense," she added. "This was the only way I could protect myself … from a man beating up on a woman."
I think that I can speak for ever one when I say that any man who punches a woman deserves what ever he gets, even if he punched her in the boobs or crotch! What Fox got - in addition to the ego damage of being bitchslapped by a broad - was cuffed by a near by officer and escorted off. He was later released without formal arrest though he does have to met with some prosecutors sometime soon - like maybe Monday. Hope this doesn't cut into the taping of his new series "I, Alex Cross". Former LOST stars need as much career support as they can get. As for you overly assertive slack jawed drunks out there - don't dish it out of you can't take it.
Let us spray
If you were a chick would you rather get boob punched or spit on? The answer tot hat question determines whether you're more of a Matt Fox or a Shia Labouef date. LAbouef was out recently with his gal pal and rocker Marylin Manson when he had some kind of a fit. They were @ the Aug. 26 (BELVEDERE) RED at The Box party, when the actor had what wirtnesses are describing as a public meltdown. Labouef tool a started taking sips of his bottled water and then spitting it on both Manson and his gal pal's legs. According to Life & Style "Then he put more water in his mouth and started spitting it all over his tablemates, including Marilyn Manson. He seemed wasted." The sad sorry scenario gets worse -
"People started taking their seats in front of the stage at the event, but all of a sudden Shia started shouting at his date and getting visibly angry," the eyewitness tells Life & Style. Then he headed for the door. "He lunged through the very thick seated crowd, and the crowd pleaded with him and encouraged him to sit down. They tried to hold him back -- but he kept struggling through. It was so insane -- he just had a total meltdown right in front of everyone," the eyewitness tells Life & Style. "It was completely out of control. He was so angry and physical. He was determined to get out of there."
Tiger Woods fans have been asking themselves “What the fuck happened to that guy?” It’s kind of obvious. Somewhere in a mix of floozies, sleeping pills, and paparazzi, the guy got nervous and lost his touch. Now he can’t hit the broad side of a barn with a shovel, let alone a golf ball with a club. It’s a big turn around since he used to be so good. That has some people asking whether there might be more to it.
One of the current theories going around the conspiracy community is that there’s more to it. The more to it involves MK Ultra and Project Phoenix. Conspiracists know that MK Ultra was the top secret CIA brainwashing program, started by Nazi Project Paper Clippers and designed to produce super spies through hypnosis. German mad scientist had discovered, during World War 2, that a powerful combo of drugs, torture and post hypnotic suggestions could produce super zombies who would follow any instruction. Just like Anne Hathaway in Ella Enchanted! Project Phoenix was one of MK Ultra’s off shoots, along with Bluebird and Monarch.
So the theory goes that Tiger’s father sold him out to the CIA. He’d allow Tiger to be used as a super spy if the CIA programmed him for golf. It’s a kind of I Spy scenario. The CIA would then have a great asset on their hands. Once Tiger was properly programmed he could be put into a trance through the use of some trigger phrase. Then his handler would give him a secret message. Tiger would then be snapped out of it, perhaps with the use of an electric cattle prod, and sent on his way. Once he arrives at his destination he could be put back into a trance, perhaps with a spiked drink, and once under the MK Ultra spell he’d deliver the secret coded message to his espionage contact. Since Tiger was a world class golfer he could travel anywhere and meet anyone without suspicion. Very high powered people play golf. If a member of the local American Embassy or business community met with Woods to shoot a few rounds while overseas who would suspect that they were really exchanging secrets? It was the perfect crime!
The only flaw in the plan was love. Love came to Tiger in the form of a Swedish au pair with a very well connected family named Elin Nordgren. Nordgren wasn’t just some blonde bimbo swimsuit model who’d come to America on the make! Elin’s parents are at the top of the Scandinavian food chain. Her mother is some kind of cabinet minister. Her father is a top broadcaster and a member of crypto masonic org P1.
For those not in the know P1 is the senior branch P2. P2 was the group Vatican banker Roberto Calvi was involved with. Calvi had a meteoric rise to the top of the Italian financial world - like Anne Hathaway’s ex Rafaello Follerie (another crook with Vatican contacts). Calvi was eventually found dead - hanging by the neck with pockets full of rocks, under London’s Blackfriar’s Bridge, after a scandal. The Italian govt had a ban on exporting currency at the time since the lira was plummeting. Calvi had a scam where he used his Vatican connections to convert Italian money into foreign funds through some Brazilian banks. This was highly irregular and possibly illegal, but Calvi never had to answer for it.
Since Elin has some heavy connections to the Swedish elite, in the form of cabinet minister and a free mason for parents, it only makes sense that she was some sort of Mata Hari. Her assignment was to get close to Tiger, to use sex to gain his trust (that must’ve been easy!), and then break into his programmed mind. Once Elin got into his head by way of his pants she could search through the various secret compartments that had been created in his mind, find out what kind of secrets he’d been carrying, and what kind of programming the CIA was using these days. Just like Ellen Page in Inception! After she had got her way then it was only a simple matter of mixing up his brains and leaving him fucked up.
This sounds far fetched but stop and think that Elin’s getaway mansion back in Sweden was bought about a month or so before Tiger’s now notorious love life broke in the news. So it was a month or so before she allegedly broke his head with a golf club, after finding out about this for - allegedly - the very first time. Suspicious types say this means she might have been a lot less surprised about the multiple cheating than a golf club upside the head would lead you to believe.
Lest you think that this is merely the ranting of Internet bloggers like myself, here’s someone from the mainstream media - Toronto radio host Richard Syrett, along with a very special guest to give you the low down on Tiger Wood’s secret James Bond life, complete with the MK Ultra background. Remember that they present this as a theory - or a possible explanation - and not as fact. That’s how conspiracy theorists get away with it! So if you have a half an hour or so you can sit back and be prepared to be amazed!
Speaking of Anne Hathaway - and who wouldn't? - regular Wondertrash readers will be aware that Anne has been cast in yet another MK Ultra themed role - Cat woman in the new Batman flick. They will also b e aware that Wondertrash called it - sort of, a few months back, when we reported that she was hanging around comic con dressed as Hawkgirl!
We at Wondertrash were worried about Anne for awhile, especially after Ella Enchanted. maybe it was Princess Dairy 2. Anyway the point is that Anne pulled it together and so can you with that extra special Wondertrash mindset!
When Anne Hathaway started rapping on Conan O Brien recently many viewers asked themselves, and each other “What the fuck is wrong with her?” We expect this sort of thing from Joaquin Phoenix, or even Charlie Sheen. Anne seemed too down to earth and together for publicly flip out. Yet she had a fit of bizarre behavior on late night television. The reason for this is that, sadly, Anne is a very sick young lady.
What the fuck is wrong with Anne goes back to a top secret government project that began shortly after World War 2 called MK Ultra. After the war dozens of Nazi scientists were brought to America under the controversial Project Paperclip. Some of these people were legitimate scientists, like Werner von Braun, who helped the USA prepared for eventual alien invasion. Many were mad misfit scientists and anti social nuisances. Their only specialty was brain washing and mind control, which they had developed as a means of seducing women.
Normally there would’ve been no use for these nuts in a sane society. However the cold war was just heating up. That meant society was getting less sane. The CIA figured that these dangerous nuts and their brainwashing might somehow possibly come in handy. So they took these renegade Nazis under their wing, gave them new identities and secret laboratories, then funded them for all sorts of bizarre experiments in mind control. They worked on everything from reverse intoxication to convincing cocktail waitresses that they were giant bunnies!
During the course of their research, these scientists discovered that normal people could be programmed for almost anything through a combination of drugs, nursery rhymes, and mind bending programming. For instance an average house wife given large doses of hallucinogens while repeating “hickory dickory dock” and writing the Gettysburg Address backwards, could eventually be trained to strip down and reassemble and automatic riffle upon hearing a trigger phrase. Even if she normally couldn’t boil a 3 minute egg! (In fact many housewives lost the ability to boil eggs after participating in government experiments - though they did become whizzes with fire arms! Some also forgot how to do up bras, and mistaking them for military incendiaries, & began burning them. Addled by their intelligence brainwashing they believed they were armed with bra bombs - code named “booby traps” - and fighting in a liberation war that had been originally planned for Cuba back in the John F Kennedy administration.)
The tactical advantages of unleashing a herd of crazy brain addled housewives on a nation’s enemies is obvious! However MK Ultra mind programming had some side effects. For instance subjects' minds started developing split personalities. In some cases test subjects developed hundreds of split personalities, or “alters”. If the programming was taken too far it might drive subjects completely batty, and make them unpredictable. The same advanced mind control techniques that could teach an ordinary house wife to assemble an assault rifle and forget how to boil an egg, might cause a burly green beret to don a frilly dress and start singing “I’m a lumber jack and I’m ok”. A battalion of harden soldiers upon hearing their trigger phrase might suddenly drop their arms and turn Klinger in the face of the enemy. So the MK Ultra project got sidelined.
MK Ultra was sidelined but not dropped. A special genius think tank at the Rand Corp - which is not actually a corporation, no more than the Federal Reserve is a part of the government - believed that other uses could be made of it. They felt that mind control might have some cultural usages. The idea being that if a nation’s celebrities could be mind controlled then they could be used to support government agendas, or at least the economy by being obedient product spokespersons. To that end they sponsored Illuminati shill Dr Timothy Leary to develop LSD. They then fed it to the Beatles, aster first luring them on to the Ed Sullivan Show. When Rand and the CIA successfully created the counter culture, they new the experiment was a success!
Over the years more and more celebrities have been enrolled into MK Ultra, under Project Monarch and Bluebird. This was done by making many designers drugs available to Hollywood party animals. Celebs were also encouraged to take analysis therapy and personal growth courses at sites such as the Esalon Institute, for further advanced programming. Celebs were indoctrinated into New Age thinking with it’s political overtones, and to promote these ideas to the public. Though the celebs became popular and successful spokespersons, many did go mad as hatters!
Not only did many celebrities go mad, but they also developed the trade mark Monarch Programming multiple personality disorder. At the outset a celebrity victim of government starwhackers might start acting mildly retarded. Then they might become unsure of who they are. A sign of this is when an actor begins saying that they don’t know where their images ends and they being, or that their fans don’t really know them.
This can progress into full blown MPD. The celeb victim will actually begin to believe that they are other people, in addition to themselves. At first this was covered up with the same new age beliefs the celebs were spouting. When Shirley Maclaine’s mind shattered into dozens of multiple personalities the public was told that Shirley had ‘gone religious’ and these were her “previous incarnations”. After repeated massive doses of LSD and some working over with an electric cattle prod Shirley was eventually persuaded to play along with the story, and to assemble an automatic assault riffle in 30 secs. She still has trouble boiling eggs.
More recent cases have been harder to cover. When Garth Brookes alter Chris Gaines emerged his handlers were unsure what to do with him. Fortunately his career was nearly over by then, so it wasn’t an issue. More cases would arise. When Anne Heche claimed she was an alien called Celestia who could bring love to planet Earth through public nudity, the usual scape goat of “drugs” was blamed, instead of the severe government brain washing she had been subjected to under the guise of psycho analysis. By the time Beyonce became Sasha Fierce - an alter with advanced infiltration & combat training following a Tank Girl script - people assumed celebrities were basically nuts. So no one paid attention. Incidentally some professional therapists have tried offering ‘celebrity deprogramming’ but there was a surprising lack of demand for their services! Their few clients were former child stars and looking for ‘celebrity reprogramming’.
That brings us to the ordinarily mild mannered and down to earth Anne Hathaway. Anne was originally programmed by the government to infiltrate hip hop as a rapper groupie. So she got the full programming treatment: she was given massive doses of mescaline and ecstasy while being forced to make up rhymes to random phrases while holding a handful of marbles in her mouth. If she failed to make the rhyme poor Anne was shocked with the MK Ultra teaching tool of choice - an electric cattle prod.
Fortunately for Anne the Illuminati found other uses for her. She proved to be a pretty good actress so she got cast in a number of films with mildly brain washing related themes, like Ella Enchanted and The Devil Wears Prada. However some of the side effects from her original brainwashing persists. For instance Anne loves out law men. Her first boyfriend was the guy who cheated the Pope. He’s now finishing up a 3 year federal jail sentence. Her current boyfriend was accused of ripping of a $15 000 painting after a business dispute with a NYC restauranteur. She should know better but Annie repeats her mistakes because she just can’t help it!
Another side effect is that Anne will occasionally break out into rap. No one can be quite sure when this will happen, but the combination of bright lights and a small electrical shock, like carpet static, combined with a trigger phrase, might do it. Her recent out burst might have been a “MK Ultra” episode, and set off by Conan saying something as innocent as “yo mama”, “ho”, “jack dat shit, bitch”, or even “booty!” If Anne had received a mild carpet shock at the time, then the combo of electricity, trigger phrase, and bright studio lighting might have set her off. At that point Anne was no longer Anne. Her dormant gansta girl alter would’ve taken over.
Incidentally this is also why Anne has that problem with occasionally hitting people - like that stunt man on the Batman movie, or Kate Hudson on The Bride Wars. To make her cover authentic Anne was also programmed with advanced street fighting techniques. Advanced means that she can rip you a new corn shoot! So if she’s in gansta mode and she gets dissed, she can switch from busting a rhyme to busting a head! Anne’s Conan performance might have been a bit startling, but it could’ve been worse. Conan may never know how close he came to a low down, down town beat down at the hands of “Smack Ass Annie H”aka "Queen Katt"!
PS The intro pic showed the three stages of truth. Of course they forgot the forth stage - where truth become orthodoxy and then is enforced by law on everyone else. There's no point in restating the obvious - except for humorous effect that is! Sorry Charlie - throwing garbage is not a compliment, only a vindication!
Talk about conspiracies and people look at you funny. Then they check you out like they think you’re wearing tin foil underwear. This attitude shows ignorance of history and fact. The Mafia is a secret society engaged in criminal conspiracies. No one questions the existence of the mafia. Yet for years the FBI denied that the mafia existed. J Edgar Hoover even publicly stated that organized crime didn’t exist. J Edgar can be excused. He had an interesting personal life that include prancing around in a black chiffon gown and calling himself Mary. The mafia had pictures of that!
Another example of a conspiracy group might be PETA - though they might be closer in nature to Al Qaeda than the mafia. They’re far from a ‘secret’ society, but they are an organized group directed to a common purpose. In their case no one is sure what the purpose is: protection of animal rights, or radical fund raising through Andy Kaufman type media stunts. Some of their more outrageous antics included hitting fur wearing celebrities with sacks of flour - they’ve nailed a number of super models and even Lindsay Lohan, though in Lindsay’s case she wasn’t sober enough to know what was happening, and marketing George Clooney flavored tofu!
This brings us to their latest stunt. PETA is apparently taking on comedian Gallagher. “Now what could anyone have against Gallagher?” you might ask, if you haven’t seen his act. PETA is upset about the violence directed against helpless produce. Produce like those watermelons he regularly smashes up during his stage routines. Oh yeah and he’s also done the job on a number of pumpkins.
Stop the insanity!
Now fruit and veg might be outside their usual mandate. They usually focus higher up the evolutionary scale. However with more and more people shifting to vegan PETA feels that the time might be right to take non animal life under their protective umbrella. Not that they want to ban people from eating fruit & veg. With vast sections of the food chain disappearing from the menu in the name of trendy political correctness you have to make some allowances. People have to eat. It’s the nature of life on earth! PETA’s plans to switch people to a diet of recycled paper are only rumours - so far!
It’s just that PETA objects to the way we handle fruit & veg. Like Gallagher causing unnecessary distress to those watermelons by smashing them up for the sake of a few cheap laughs. By focussing people on this issue PETA hopes that they can be made more aware of the way they treat earth’s various life forms - which should never be abused for the sake of entertainment! To that end they’ve put Gallagher in their political cross hairs.
It’s not just Gallagher, though. PETA has some sweeping vegetable awareness plans in the works. They’re mounting a pressure campaign to ban food fight scenes from movies, and eventually high school cafeterias. Throwing all that food around is just crass. They’re also planning to lobby McDonald’s to stop frying french fries. This isn’t because frying is unhealthy, but because they feel dipping a potato in boiling oil, after it has already given up it’s life in the name of a happy meal, is cruel. They also want to get the Mr. Potato Head game taken off the market. It encourages children in wrong attitudes, and consequently bad habits.
This is probably a big build up to their upcoming Hallowe’en hullabaloo. PETA is planning to promote their new veg policy with a campaign to save the jack o lantern. PETA objects to the use of pumpkins as Hallowe’en decorations because the pumpkins aren’t used as food but as decorations - like fur bearing animals that are skinned for fashion. Their guts are scooped out and thrown away. Then they are further mutilated by having eyes holes and funny mouths carved into them. If you were a pumpkin would you want that to happen to you?
So they intend to discourage the use of jack o lanterns. They had planned to offer children plastic pumpkin replacements for the holiday. Then their plastic pumpkins got recalled after large amounts of melamine were found in them. So now they plan to mount a city by city campaign in which PETA volunteers will snatch the jack o lanterns away from children, while lecturing their parents. In case you’re asking yourself how they plan to get a way with it, be warned that PETA volunteers on pumpkin detail will be armed with mace!
DISCLAIMER: The above is total bullshit - except for the part about J Edgar Hoover and the dress. As far as I know PETA has no plans to ban food fights in movies or high schools. Nor do they have a large scale military type campaign planned against American trick or treaters. As far as I know they don’t even plan to take on Gallagher, though his career could probably use the boost. Hopefully there’ll be some more really juicy celebrity gossip soon. If not I’ll continue making stuff up. However fictional gossip has value, too. Just because the above piece was made up doesn’t lessen the point - that there’s no excuse for certain forms of entertainment! So stay focused on what’s important - that prop comedy is disturbing and must be stopped by any means possible!
It been a while since we've seen anything from Gerard Depardieu. Recently some jet passengers saw a lot of him. That's cause Gerard whipped it out on board pre take off and let fly! Gerard claimed he just couldn't hold it in anymore. Now if only he shows the same enthusiasm about the inevitable rehab drug test!
Now it would be easier to write Depardieu off as just another boorish Frenchman (I've just made a bunch of new friends with that statement, or mes amis as I'll call 'em). However maybe there's more to this than just some loutish drunk pissing on the floor. Perhaps this was some kind of outrageous performance comedy type gesture. That sort of thing does happen from time to time. AS a matter of fact let's take a look back at a guy who specialized in just that sort of thing!
So Big G Dep might've been channeling the spirit of Tony Clifton! Nor is Gerard Depardieu the only one given to outrageous fits of self expression. Take Anne Hathaway for instance (and given the chance who wouldn't?).
Anne might want to be more cautious, since performance comedy has it's risks. Just ask Charlie Sheen who got the Tila Tequila welcome at the Insane Clown Posse meet at the recent Gathering of Jugaloos!
It's not he first time Miss Tila has gotten that kind of welcome, but I'd just hate to see Anne Hathaway pelted with garbage, at least in a non sex fetish context!
BTW to find out how Australian celebrities helped destroy America's long running space program head over to Area 51! There's a lot more to it than you might think!
The unofficial official story on the JLo - Marc Anthony split up is that he was a domineering control freak who broke Jenny's fragile spirit. Miss Piggy Lopez had to ditch Kermit Anthony because he was just too much macho for her. To that end she gave some interviews about loving herself enough to walk away. No one ever doubted that JLo loved her self enough. Many suspected that she loved herself a bit too much. While Jenny may think of herself as as tender shoot and delicate blossom, the rest of the world finds the idea of her being dominated about as believable as - well - the idea that I regularly beat up Mike Tyson for his lunch money! Still the current story had Marc A clearly to blame, at least according to JLO's official and unofficial spokespersons.
According to the Daily Mail Online there's another reason behind the bust up: JLo's commitment to Scientology. JLo is a good friend of the church's Vice Thetan in Chief Tom Cruise. She's also been very publicly sympathetic towards the church, defending it through such statements as‘I just wish that people wouldn’t judge it without knowing what it is.’ Fair enough. Reasonable people might feel that way about any religion - except for those mad, radical Muslims with their irrational hatred of promiscuous sex and scantily clad women - oh wait that whole war on terror thing is over now! So we can put aside our irrational fear and paranoia towards Muslims, and they can get back to their secret repressed interest in scantily clad promiscuous Western women - those dirty little tramps!
JLo's sympathy to Scientology goes a little bit beyond defending the Church in public. She also has considered sending the Royal Twins her kids to a Sci School. At least if she meant what she said in the very same interview where she defended Sci. In fact she said she "wouldn't mind" sending her kids to space school. Now according to an unnamed source close to the couple Marc wasn't as enthusiastic about Scientology as JLo. So when the whole school issue came up Marc said no and that made the couple go Tom & Nicole! So it looks like this divorce is about to get more interesting.
Duanne Dog Chapman gets results. He also pisses people off. In this case the result was felonious drug fugitive Andrew Distel, 29. In the process he pissed off a local Sherif Lobo, Stan Hikley. Hikley claims that Dog dropped of a prisoner at his jail in a sorry state, and with a lack of professionalism that you wouldn’t accept from a pizza delivery boy!
crime time
Andrew Distel was on the run and living a life of crime around the Mesa, California area when justice, in the form of Dog the Bounty Hunter, caught up with him. Andy had been a busy boy, and keeping in trouble by jacking cars in his spare time. When he wasn’t frightening citizens he liked to hang around local hotels. That’s where Dog picked up his scent.
hot peppers and a dilly of a pickle
Dog and his crew confronted Distel in the lobby of a local establishment, and then gave him two options. The easy way or the hard way. Some like it hot and hot is what Andy got. When the fugitive resisted arrest Dog unleashed a volley of pepper spray on the poor wretch. After dosing him up like a hot tamale, Dog then cuffed him, hosed him down, and delivered him to Hikley for due process. That’s where Hikley got hot under the collar.
a scene to bring tears to your eyes
According to Sherif Stan, Dog dropped the special delivery package off at his jail smelling like something you’d want to send back to your local Indian curry take out. The guy was shot full of so much cayenne and paprika that he registered several hundred thousand on the Scoville scale. Local sherif’s dept officials were so busy wiping the tears out of their eyes that they had trouble booking the man. Hikley said that Distel smelled so bad no one wanted to touch him.
prime time crime
Now Hikley has a bone to pick with Dog. He claims that Dog is much more interested in grandstanding for ratings than in responsible law enforcement. Says Hikley “I get it, you have a show to produce and shows need drama.” So that leads to “profit driven peacockery!” He also claims that Dog was doing a lot of “prancing around” with his shirt off and waving around his thinning blond mullet for the benefit of the camera crew that follows him everywhere.
Justice is served a hot mess - what’ya gonna do, send it back?
Dog, on the other hand, says that he helped get a dangerous offender off of the street. That’s the main thing. Also he was responsible. He hosed the hot mess off after seasoning him to perfection. Then he even wrapped a new shirt on him so he’d be fit for booking. So justice was served. It’s not his fault if justice was served a little too hot & spicey for small town tastes. Besides, celebrity law enforcement is about getting the job done in an entertaining way. That means you can’t worry about currying favour when you’re currying flavour! Revenge may be sweet and best served cold, but you take justice any way you get it! Plus, Distel’s scent is gonna be hard to miss for awhile!
Alex Jones is Charlie Sheen’s dark muse. During the Denise Richards divorce Richards claimed that Sheen would spend his days holed up in the basement smoking, web surfing, popping pills, & listening to Jones. Anyone remember Dale Gribble on King of the Hill? When Charlie decided to unleash the full measure of his warlock wrath, Jones was the guy he went to. He phoned Jones’ national conspiracy radio program & opened the flood gates to a torrent of tiger’s blood, Gnarly Gnarlingtons, & WINNING.
For those who don’t know Jones does the conspiracy beat. That used to be called the lunatic fringe but it went mainstream after 8 year of George W Bush had the public asking themselves “Is this guy really that dumb or is there something more going on?” Jones was on the cutting edge of that. He and a brit journalist Jon Ronson (author of the excellent The Psychopath Test) got a film crew to infiltrate Republican hang out Bohemian Grove. That was a glimpse inside the batcave which got Jones some mainstream attention, and made BG a must see tourist sight for California visitors - “Is this the place where they perform the human sacrifices?” Now it’s a haunted house inhabited by the demons of the Republican Party.
These days Jones covers a “tinfoil reduced” conspiracy beat, avoiding crop circles and concentrating on the NWO. His current focus is on the insidious erosion of the constitution through enforced vaccinations, plastic water bottles that turn men into sissies (Alex is clear to point out that he doesn’t mean “gay”, but “metro sexual”), and fluorescent lights that read your mind while causing vicious seizures. So his show is more of a trip to the close edge of the far side than all the way to the outer limits. It’s something familiar with something peculiar, and old situations with new complications.
He does have a flip side. For instance he follows the environmental angle with some weird human interest & odd ball news stories. Like the woman in Texas who got busted for growing tomatoes. Apparently the poor woman was growing some produce in flower boxes on her stoop when some meddling civil servants with too much free time gave her grief. Most people chalk this up to the kind of people who get into the bureaucracy, plus the effect of Parkinson’s Law (Parkinson’s Law is Peter’s Principle for the civil service). However Jones sees this as the tip of a larger iceberg of evil! First they come for your tomatoes, then they take you guns. Tomorrow they could be shooting school kids full of heroin as part of some civics course.
For instance on last Wednesday’s show his special health reporter - the Health Ranger - covered a ruthless cheese crack down. Apparently some people were making cheese without adherence to all the bi laws. To hear Jones tell it, it was a fascist crack down with Homeland Security swat teams rounding up the Amish and loading cheese into the back of government vans. It got a little Les Nessmanish for a minute or so, and I couldn’t help imaging jack booted government thugs accosting farm hands with odd intrusive questions like :
“What are you doing with that cow?”
“It’s personal, I swear!”
“Well it better be, cause if I catch you making cheese you’re in serious trouble!”.
Jones does make a good point though. Once upon a time people got their dairy products from the local farmer. Regulations helped drive the small local concerns under in favour of the modern industrial factory farms. Cows are no longer lovingly milked by creepy farm boys, free from prying eyes and intrusive questions. Instead they’re penned in and drugged like mental patients. They say the drugs are harmless hormones to encourage lactation, but with the NWO who knows what the real agenda is. A worst case scenario might have cows tormented with electric cattle prods while being given massive doses of LSD and forced to cooperate with elaborate mind programming training. How long do you think it could take a drugged, shocked cow to learn how to strip and reassemble an automatic firearm (Rumor is that Sarah Palin can do it in under 2 minutes, but I’m not suggesting that Palin will be the first MK Ultra mind controlled cow to become president!)? That leads to the obvious outcome of a breed of psychotic super cows bent on world domination and ensuing scenarios that the most deranged sci fi writers couldn’t dream of (though reality TV producers are currently working on it)!
That’s one of the points Alex tries to make; that you have to be aware of the implications of events. Try to see the big picture in the long term. Today pasteurization, tomorrow rule by cows! You have to stop these things while they’re small. Take the tomato lady for instance. Growing some tomatoes on the front porch sounds harmless, in theory. Yet Alex himself has pointed out time and time again that most produce is genetically altered into mutant “frankenfruit”. So who’s to say that these front porch tomatoes didn’t contain some rogue human DNA, perhaps grafted in from prison convicts to make a hardier, more aggressive strain.
Now that’s putting criminal genes to good use, but the down side is that you’ve got to watch those tomatoes every second! One minute their sitting quietly in the planter box, the next your asking “Where’s grandma?” while your staring at a tomato sitting between her empty flip flops and trying to look innocent. “She said she was going to the store for some lotto tickers - buurrpp!” It would be like a scene out of that film Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! Point is that maybe every neighborhood granny shouldn’t be meddling in government business by growing DNA enhanced super veg on the front porch. Criminal tomatoes need constant supervision!
You do have to give Jones credit. He’s fiendishly well informed. He actually encourages people to inform themselves, which is a message well worth heeding. It refreshing to hear a conspiracy theorist who doesn’t talk about the mark of the beast every 10 minutes, between channeling messages from the Pleiades. Besides, the guy is genuinely (and I’ll let you in on a secret, deliberately) funny. I suspect his real angle is half truths told half in jest. You might not always be sure when his tongue’s in his cheek, but he’s one hell of a performer. Would Charlie Sheen be a fan if he wasn’t? If Sheen knows anything it’s mad success in comedy!
Chuck Lorre is sending out a strong message that drugging, boozing, stripper chasing, and other general tom foolery and shit fuckery will not be tolerated. To that end he has ordered Charlie Sheen killed. Not actually but virtually, in the form of his 2 ½ Men character. It must be something like burning an unpopular politician in effigy, and Lorre wants to make sure the festivities get just as much attention as any actual hate rally. So he’s planned a big “fuck off Charlie” episode, complete with a funeral. This has been getting much Internet hype. 2 ½ Men was the top rated TV sit com for years and Lorre wants to make sure that dead Charlie gets higher ratings than live Charlie ever did.
I wouldn’t have done it that way. Sending Sheen’s character into rehab or jail for awhile would’ve been less extreme. If Charlie really had to go, for the good of the team, then I’d have sent him off on a mid life crisis to a Buddhist monastery high in the Himalayas. That’s a nice ironic twist after years of ho’ hounding. Plus it leaves the door open for a come back. Enlightened Charlie could return in the last season to surprise and annoy everyone with flashes of possible insight.
Killing him off is just malicious. Plus it’s real bad business sense. I may be only a lowly, mentally unstable internet blogger, and not a high powered sit com producer; but even I know that killing off a character is a bad move. For one thing, what if your series starts to tank out and you need to bring them back but you can’t because you’ve burned you’re bridges behind you? Then you’ve got two bad choices. (Two bad alternatives to choose between?)
1. You can pull the plug on a major money earner and quietly explain to your colleagues that you got a bit carried away and fucked up by killing the goose that laid the golden egg. By the time you realized what an ass you were it was too late for CPR. So file it under “Milt Spilk’. Hey, pobody’s nerfect!
2. You can opt for some ridiculous plot twist to bring the beloved character back to save the show. Now that might work on Star Trek, where they brought Denise Crosby back from the dead for years, by way of black holes, singularities, time warps, and meddling demi gods from the centre of the galaxy - “Hi Capt Picard. I’m Q and this woman says she knows you.” However when you can’t rewrite the laws of physics these twists can completely destroy the credibility of an otherwise popular show. It could wind up as something people will talk about for years along with the time Fonzie jumped the shark. Like when Pamela Ewing woke up and found her dead husband showering in the bathroom. “Why so surprised Pammy? Haven’t you heard that you can’t keep a good man down?” , “Oh Bobby I’m so happy that you snapped out of it. Now we can get back to normal.”
Disclaimer: Utter Bullshit Follows
That Dallas episode is something that people still talk about. It’s not the worst case. One of the worst case scenarios never happened and involved the Andy Griffith Show. It’s a little known fact that back in the 50's and at the height of the show’s popularity Griffith had a vicious falling out with co star Don Knotts. Knotts could be very annoying in person and Andy was much more of an asshole than anyone ever let on. So shit happened faster than you could say ‘Lewis & Martin’.
Don did or said something wrong and Andy got madder than a blood hound tryin’ to hump a jack rabbit. So he went to the producers and laid it on them point blank that he wanted Knotts gone in the worst way. Now in that case worst way meant not just out quick, but in some humiliating scene that would make him a laughingstock and ruin him in the industry. He had to wind up looking so bad that he’d never work again because every time people saw him they’d burst out laughing. He mentioned some ideas like having Barney Fife kidnapped, raped, and murdered by a pack of roving circus clowns. He called it “The Crime that Shocked Mayberry”. Or maybe Fife could get killed in a freak accident at the county fair. He could fall into the candy apple machine and then get eaten by mules. He even had one idea where Barney dies meekly after being taken hostage by a drug crazed New York City transvestite. He said it would be cutting edge. Griffith had even dreamed up some dialogue for it, with him asking Knotts “How did you manage to get yourself into this?”, and Knotts answering in character, “How was I supposed to know he was a man? I’ve never been with a woman before!” Needless to say Andy was mad!
That left Mayberry producers with a real problem on their hands. Andy’s ideas were colourful and inventive, but not really Mayberry material. They could simply have Fife leave town, and then quietly fire Knotts, but Griffith wouldn’t have it. He wanted a big humiliating stink to teach Knott’s a lesson he’d never forget. So he was pushing for these weirdo ideas. Of course the sight of Knotts getting lured into a trailer by circus freaks and then getting sadistically butchered while wearing grease paint and a red nose would’ve alienated the audience. That’s how bad things had gotten. Griffith was willing to go that far to screw Knotts, and destroy his own show in the process.
The producers had to show Andy the errors of his ways. So they got together with the writers and came up with an idea so whacked out that even Griffith would think it was too far. They called it ‘the MK Ultra Episode’. The episode would reveal that Barney Fife had been a brain washed slave under the control of Griffith’s character. Just like the victims of CIA brainwashing experiments. Like most brain washed slaves Fife was obedient but incompetent and his blundering had finally gone too far. The sheriff would finally hold his deputy to ultimate accountability by triggering his suicide programming. The final scene would feature a teary Knotts looking Griffith in the eye and crying “Andy, why?” while Griffith explained that there was no room for failure in Mayberry. Griffith would then hand Fife his service revolver and tell him to go out back, and to “be a man about it, because Opie’s watching and you don’t want him to think you’re a loser.” Fife would tearfully take the gun and say “Well, for Opie”, then shuffle out the door, after which a loud shot would be heard.. That would be followed by some light banter between Griffith and Ron Howard, in which Opie asks “What’ll we do about a deputy now Dad?” and Griffith answers “Gee I dunno son. Maybe we’ll have to train a chimp. It’a be easier, and he’d be cheaper to keep. How’d you like a chimp, son?”
The producers thought this would do it. It was so extreme that no one outside of a mental ward would go for it. Plus it was so allegorical that Griffith had to get it. Hopefully he’d sit down, hear out the idea, and then realize that he’d been going over board. “I have been a little carried away lately”, Griffith might say. Then everyone would have a good laugh and be relieved that things got stopped in time, before they went too far.
Trouble was that Andy loved the idea. He thought it was the greatest thing he’d heard. He insisted that the producers do it. Since they’d gone along this far they didn’t know how to back out. They were cornered. So the whole thing got written up and slated in. Don Knotts thought it was some kind of a joke, until Griffith started calling him “Old Yeller” and following him around the set with a prop gun. He’d wave the gun under Knotts’ nose and say “lookin’ forward to your retirement Old Yeller?”
The episode, with the working title of “Old Yeller”, was scheduled in. So with each episode that got completed it moved closer and closer to the head of the line. The only hope was that Griffith would snap out of it and come to his senses, but he showed no signs of easing up. He just kept badgering Knotts by pushing his folksy charm to psychotic extremes. Then a week before the episode was due to go into production Griffith went off on a bender with some cocktail waitress. By the time he got back he was hung over and having memory black outs. So the whole thing blew over.
It was a simpler time. That’s because even though everyone involved was a raging asshole at least they could find a way to get past their problems before the train went off the rails. Even if the way past them was only an alcoholic blackout. Things got a chance to blow over. In Mayberry’s case an unfortunate mess was avoided. Don Knotts escaped from the Old Yeller retirement home and the cast went on pretending to get along. So generations got to enjoy the home spun fun of Mayberry.
Pretending to get along shouldn’t be too hard for show business professionals. However with season premiers looming on the horizon it doesn’t look like things are gonna blow over in time to get back to normal. Unless there’s a cocktail waitress with a quart of Jack Daniels waiting to save the day. When Charlie Sheen’s involved that’s possible. Meanwhile we still have the Internet to entertain us. Or look for Charlie to come back after a year and a ratings dip, to reveal that he was on a secret spy mission and his death was staged to protect his family. Or the kid just had a bad dream. Considering Charlie’s salary demands that’s gonna cost; it might not help much but it’s gonna cost.
It's a bad day for divas. Take Angelina Jolie for instance. According to In Touch she's not just a professional bitch but she's on shaky ground in mom territory. Says In Touch:
“After she met [Brad Pitt] and settled down, changing her image from wild child to earth mother, Angelina’s ‘bizarre’ early upbringing seemed to affect her parenting skills,” notes In Touch, which alleges her image as an attentive mother is “all a facade.”
So Angie likes putting up a front. Not that you could fault an actress for that, but there's more, by way of GossipCop:
In Touch says she’s actually an “ice-queen mom who is distant” with her children, leading them to tantrums and bad behavior.
For evidence, a “close source” for the magazine speaks with horror about the time one of the kids spilled grape juice, and Jolie “forced a nanny, who was about to leave, to ’stay and work overtime’ to clean it.” In another instance, Shiloh fell down and cried, and a nanny handled it.
Being self absorbed and a bit of a phony won't qualify you for the Claire Huxtable mother of the year award, but it doesn't put you in the Casey Anthony category either. There's probably more than enough real criticism to make about Jolie, without crying over spilled grape juice.
Now giving Jolie hell over the hired help might be rough but it could be worse. She could be Madonna. Madonna used to be hot stuff. However on Aug 16 she's gonna be 53. Pushing 60 isn't giving her the kind of work out she's used to either. Though she used to pride herself on her buffed bod - even taking it to Vera De Milo extremes for awhile, these days Madge is battling cellulite!
Madge is used to getting her way, and every obstacle in her path has usual collapsed under the weight of her all star will power. However the cellulite is really hard to budge. So something is finally putting up a fight and giving her better than she dishes out - so it's becoming an obsession with her. According to her former fitness guru Tracy Anderson it destroyed their working relationship. Says the Star:
“Tracy grew to dread the early-morning phone calls from Madonna ranting about what a useless trained she was,” according to one of Tracy’s pals.”Madonna would threaten to fire her, and Tracy had to talk her down each time.”
Tracy’s not the only casualty of Madonna’s body image obsession. “The Measuring and ranting used to drive her ex-husband Guy [Ritchie] crazy,” reports the insider. “He would mock her and joke that he noticed a few dimples, which he thought was tremendously funny, but she obviously didn’t.”
Madonna does have the situation under control though. According to reports she's spending upward of 75 000 per week to keep the unsightly stuff under control. Glad to hear that the depression ain't hurting everyone. Guess her bail out stimulus package came in.
Over the hill is something that happens to people, well most of them anyway. That doesn't mean you've hit rock bottom, unless you're Faye Dunaway that is. Faye is having a hard time with one of her residences. It's a rent stabilized NYC apartment that Dunaway holds for $1000 a month rent. You can tell it's hers cause the buzzer label in the lobby read "F Dunanway". Now Faye's landlord is peved about this since he could be getting way more for it. So he's sued to get her booted out of the place. The idea is that it's not her primary residence in the city, so is exempt from the rent stabilization laws. To that end his hauling her ass into court on Aug 11 to try and get some more reasonable arrangements worked out. Dunaway can get nasty when she's crossed so stay tuned to see how this one works out.
I'm not gonna say that Matthew Fox is a drunken slack jawed jerk who likes to beat up on women 'cause that would be inflammatory as well as defamatory. So let's just say that the former LOST star got beat up by a chick recently. "How'd that happen?" you might ask. Well Matt was drunk out of his mind and wandering around in public - usually a bad idea for a celeb, or in Cleveland Ohio in this case when he got a little confused. He was leaving a bar ans trying to do the responsible thing by getting a ride home. Unfortunately the poor man didn't seem to know what the fuck he was doing, since he tried to crawl into bus driver Heather Borman's vehicle uninvited. Heather had the following to say to Fox & TMZ
If you were a chick would you rather get boob punched or spit on? The answer tot hat question determines whether you're more of a Matt Fox or a Shia Labouef date. LAbouef was out recently with his gal pal and rocker Marylin Manson when he had some kind of a fit. They were @ the Aug. 26 (BELVEDERE) RED at The Box party, when the actor had what wirtnesses are describing as a public meltdown. Labouef tool a started taking sips of his bottled water and then spitting it on both Manson and his gal pal's legs. According to Life & Style "Then he put more water in his mouth and started spitting it all over his tablemates, including Marilyn Manson. He seemed wasted." The sad sorry scenario gets worse -
