"I can explain..."

Donald Trump tries for ultimate "You're Fired"

Who ever said that it's only celebrity gossip hasn't been paying attention top the prez lately. Barack Obama recently begrudgingly took time away from important issues like the economy and bombing the middle east to address the latest conspiracy theory coming from celebrity nuisance Donald "What's wrong with your hair?" Trump. Trump is planning on making some kind of half assed run at the presidency in 2012, although the job of half assed Republican presidential runs should already have been filled by Alaska Annie! If Trump were really serious about making a run at the White House then starting as Sarah Palin's VP running mate might've been a more serious way of doing it. It would allow Don to concentrate on getting publicity - which is what he's really all about; and it would take attention away from Sister Sarah's short comings as America would try to figure out which one of the two was the flaky one. In other words which one is playing the rear end of the horse? That kind of arrangement covers the angles.

Is the Pope Catholic? That depends.

To get back at the story at hand: the pres took time out from his super busy schedule to address some of the shit Donnie's been talking about in public. Stuff like the President not really being an American (it's a "is the Pope catholic?" variant). That's in addition to the president really being a Muslim, a terrorist, a robot, and possibly an extra terrestrial - depending on which conspiracy radio shows you listen too (and I listen to all of 'em!). This puts the pres in the awkward position of having to occasionally dignify this stuff with an answer - which immediately takes away some of his credibility.

Sunday Morning Feeling

Like the time Obama had to make his statement about faith. Now people had been questioning his religious beliefs ever since he got caught napping in church back in Chi-town. That's was in the church with the radical pastor. The preacher had some odd ideas, especially about white people. So people started asking how the pres felt about the whole race relation thing. As the pres explained, he only went to the damned place to network with Oprah; and never really paid attention to what the guy was saying since he used his pew time to catch up on some well needed rest - or Transcendental Meditation as Obama calls it. Sunday Morning sleep in can be very spiritual if you have the right state of mind!

radio free tin foil

Anyway Obama had to come out and say that yes he is a Christian, yes he does pray regularly, and that his faith has seen him through the tough spots in life. Now people should've have been satisfied but weren't. For one thing 21st century secular types got disturbed about the pres speaking on faith publicly. Most thought it was great that he felt that way, but that talking about it on TV in the 21st century was neither the time or the place. Before the poor beknighted man could explain that he only brought it up in response to persistent rumors about him being some kind of cultie who was sacrificing neighborhood pets to Aqua Buddha, the fringe media was on about him being an Illuminati mole sent to infiltrate Islam. Whatever ever else tinfoil hats keep out, they work like a charm against common sense!

What made Reagan the Great Communicator? Taking the media out of the equation.

What Obama should have learned from that incident is that you shouldn't explain cause you just can't win. When the Donald began riding the conspiracy theory wave, Obama should've just taken that in stride. If you diginfy those klind of rumours with an answer then you give them crediablity at your own expense. So Obama should've set the agenda, like Reagan did back in the old days, by deciding what he wanted to talk about and then engaging sympathetic journalists in conversation; and not responding to what everyone else was saying. That's how leaders create consensus when everyone disagrees with them (and in the Reagan Era it used to drive the left nuts). Instead Obama just released the long form of his birth certificate to prove that yes he is an America, yes he is legally president, and yes it did count when he voted himself in the booth.

Tabloid President

This leaves the president complaining about having to deal with carnival barkers and lunatic fringers as if they were serious people. That's no one's fault but his own. As President he's like a conductor in front of the media orchestra. he can set the tone, by deciding what he wants to talk about. The media will follow that be cause he's the pres and what ever he says is news. Meanwhile that takes the attention away from his connection with UFO's and his involvement in cattle mutilations! Like Obama says, there's a lot more important stuff going on, though it might not be half as intersting as his "alleged" summit with time travelers at a top secret Antarctican stargate to negotiate Earth's entrance into The Federation! Now that's not even considering his frequent 'vacations' to Atlantis! Suffice it to say that it's not my job to tell him his job; and speaking as one of the carnival barkers, I'm happy with the extra cred. Thanks big guy, for helping me wear my tin foil 'thinking cap' with an unaccustomed feeling of dignity!

PS: The sad truth of that matter is that the American voter is a pretty complacent specimen. The fact is that he probably does think that Obama wasn't born in the USA, and that he probably doesn't care. George W Bush stole an election with the help of a gang of dimpled Chads, probably some of his Bohemian Grove buddies (I hear that thing get funky with that group!!), but that didn't stop him from getting a second term with an unquestioned majority. So Obama wouldn't be the first guy who wasn't supposed to be pres that the people decided should be pres. He won't be the last. Rules are made to be broken and that's what makes America great, or at least No 1. Superman and Wonder Woman weren't born in America either, but no one's gonna kick them out of the Justice League!

Future Queen of England knocked up out of wedlock

In the Royal Family way!

For those of you worried about Kate Middleton's plunging weight fear no more. She could be packing on the pounds in no time flat. That's because - if rumours are to be believed - the future Queen is already in the family way. "Family way" is a delicate way of saying that she's already knocked up!

The Royal Shenanigans

Now this little piece of scuttlebutt was broken by none other than Star Magazine. They've they've published these "Middleton preggers" stories before. Most notably was a piece they released back in June 2010. Back then they announced that Kate and William had been up to conduct unbecoming. No to give 'em a break it has been an awfully long engagement. So I think that we can rule out the idea that they've been saving themselves for the wedding night. Anyway Star reported that the usual shenanigans had gotten out of hand and that Kate had gotten herself into a right state. They went on to claim that the Palace was on high alert - what ever their equivalent to defcon 1 is they were on it. So they were all scrambling around like mad hatters (they do that anyway) trying to avoid another royal scandal.

Don't believe everything you read - you read that here!

Not surprisingly Clarence House - HQ for the Prince of Wales alias The Man Who Would Be King - issued a terse statement called the scandalous tabloid story "a load of rubbish". Some o f us might have hoped for something like "balderdash" or even "poppycock", but times have changed. The story was further discredited when a Mississippi University professor, Samir Husni - who may or may not be an expert on either royalty, rumour, or single mothers (actually he's a journalism prof so that kind of makes him an expert on all three with a greater than average knowledge of alcoholism and cigarette addiction!) reminded everyone that "Be wary, very wary, of what you read in the 'gossip' magazines. Proceed with caution and pretend you are watching a soap opera." Since Kate didn't expand and issue forth, the story was quickly forgotten as people moved on to more pressing issues like Suri Cruise and American Idol!

"Predicting the future ain't much of a talent, to be sure."
~ Al Capp

Now the secret of tabloid predictions is that if some thing doesn't happen wait about a year and then say the same thing again. Sooner or later it's bound to happen and then you get the satisfaction of saying "I told you so!" This is how the National Enquirer accurately predicted Michael Jackson's death, and how they are currently working on getting rid of Kirstie Alley and Oprah Winfrey! Now with the Royal Wedding moving into hi gear I guess that Star Mag figured that the time was right to trot this one out again. Everyone will be interesting in anything royal. Besides if the happy couple make a post honey moon announcement then the story looks legitimate - so to speak. If not then the whole sorry business will probably get lost in the Royal Wedding Mania Shuffle!

absurd is not necessarily untrue

Now for those of you interested, and let's face it who isn't, the Star is claiming that Kate is already pregnant. In fact she's so far along that she''s afraid an attack of morning sicknesses gonna screw up her special day! This is also why Kate is off her head with nerves as the day of days approaches. Further more things are so far advanced that the sex of the child is already determined. it's a girl and William as decided to name her Diana! Not surprisingly Buckingham Palace - that's one step up the pecking order from Clarence House - has called the whole thing "absurd" and "certainly not true." That's disappointing for those of us still waiting for "poppycock!" As for the Star, they claim that they got the story fair and square, and from one of those underpaid, over worked, and notoriously disgruntled Palace workers that decided to break their confidentiality contracts. The Palace makes everyone who has the honour of serving them sign one of those, just like the Church of Scientology and the Jolie-Pitts!

... and Elvis is the father!

Could the story be true? Probably not. Kate certainly isn't showing. In fact her weight has been plunging. She used to be a healthy young lady, once upon a time. As she got more and more involved with the Reptilians - as Brit conspiracist David Icke colourfully refers to the Royals, her weight started to drop. She currently down to Posh Spice - Beckham proportions (hyphenated names are just so classy - as least some things don't change!). If she gets any thinner then she will be able to turn invisible by standing sideways. Now that's a trick that will come in handy in her future profession, and once the paparazzi gets hot on her tail! However her ever shrinking frame just isn't consistent with a woman ready to pop right there in Westminster Abbey! So I think that you can probably file this one under "more shocking revelations!", like "Britney Spears Pregnant with Space Baby", and "Wynonna Judd Secret Affair with Bigfoot Revealed!" - that last one is covered in half sis Ashley's new autobio "Naomi & Wynonna can kiss my ass!"; another disgruntled 'source'. as for the tabs, if they want a real royal story then they ought to get on Prince Willie's future mother in lawe, cause that chick is warming up to be Britain's answer to Billy Carter (member him?). Otherwise they're gonna have to go back to those "Valerie Bertinelli Bikini Diet" stories to regain their *ahem* credibility.

Lindsay Lohan: Living on the Ledge but Still Employable

Pushing the limits is their job - but knowing where to stop is minding their business!

Fame's a mixed bag. You can be one of the most famous people on earth and still not make money out of it (if you're unfortunate enough to be OJ Simpson then it could even drive you broke!). This usually happens when some celebrity has gone too far with pushing the limits. Then they can become an insurance risk, unreliable, or just too much of a pain in the ass to be worth bothering with.

deflation & stagnation

The gossip blogosphere is full of celebs have become so overheated that they probably couldn't land a job in the entertainment industry if they stood by the side of the road holding up a cardboard sign reading "will act for food!" Lisa Rinna tried that a few years back when she tried reviving her post Melrose Place career; though the sign read "Honk if you love Lisa". The stunt didn't work out so she got her lips deflated. That sparked some mild, temporary interest in the actress. She's currently trying to decide on her next career move, which will either be revealing something startling about her personal life, or going into reality TV!

when the big picture looks like a jig saw puzzle

Mel Gibson is the current king of radio active celebrities. When he went nuts in the back of that squad car after a night of trolling the bars there was no turning back. Well not after he went Hitler and started divulging his strange crypto-Catholic anti Masonic conspiracy theories about the Jews causing every war in history as a way to prevent Cardinal Siri from ever becoming Pope Gregory the 17th! Seems that the Jews had an agenda to corrupt the mass by getting John 23rd on the Vatican throne. People couldn't see the sense in what Gibson was saying, and most assumed that he'd left his tin foil hat in the microwave too long. So he was done. Oksana Grigorieva was just the cincher!

nuts & gum, together at last

Mel has plenty of company these days, as celebrity images heat up and implode like Japanese nuclear reactors. Tiger Woods got in shit when the world found out that he was more interesting than anyone ever suspected. That cost him a king's ransom in hi powered product endorsements! Michael Richards killed that soft spot everyone had in their hearts for Kramer when he went nuts before a live audience. Jerry Seinfeld is still counting the slot residual earnings over that one; and cutting back to only two Porsche splurges a year. Jerry also has to consider the economy - can't blame Kramer for everything! Sandra Bullock's career went into a stall after the news about her sham marriage broke. That was back at the Oscars. Sandra had won some Ms Congeniality Award. That's something you get for being too talented to be sexy, but too good looking to be a character player. It's an awkward category that Julia Roberts has successfully exploited for a couple of decades. Anyway Bullock bags her Oscar and then gets ready to move into total world domination mode. She plotting her next Barbara Walters interview: what she'll say, how she'll act all faux modest, and how good she's gonna come off. Then the news breaks that her grease monkey husband - Vanilla Gorilla - was into radical politics and porn fetish strippers! After that she had a harder time showing her face in public than Michelle Obama after she touched the Queen!

livin la vida Lohan

The upshot is that every once in a while a celeb gets in shit and then has a hard time working afterwards. The queen of disgraced celebs is probably Lindsay Lohan. She started out a a Disney child star and quickly got a reputation for talent and versatility, even as her parents were getting a rep for being ambitious and difficult. Lindsay then got her self a reputation for substance abuse and criminal behavior. So the work dried up. At least until she could get her act together through rehab or something. That left her paying lawyers fees and rehab bills out of pocket without an income. Meanwhile we kept seeing lots and lots of Lindsay usually through the tabloids or Court TV!

trainwreck in waiting

So the $64 000 question was "did the once promising actress still had a future as anything other than a trainwreck?" Observers were dubious because she had a long track record of screw ups behind her. She was too consistent to be reliable in other words! No one wanted to work with her. For one thing she might OD in the middle of her next project, and leave producers holding the bag - Heath Ledger style. At the very least she might get any project she's involved with into some kind of unwanted scandal through getting accused of something criminal - like stealing from her bosses or co stars. Lindsay always maintains that she doesn't do such stuff, but she also admits to being a magnet for trouble. In a bottom line business that's the same difference. When it's a who you know business that can leave you hard up. No one wants to bet on a loser carrying around a ton of baggage (Lindsay, we should meet!).

fame is when crime doesn't pay anymore

No it's an ill wind that blows no good and Lindsay has found the silver lining in her ill wind (like how I mashed that metaphor?). It seems that there is some one in the entertainment industry (soon to be the Intertainment Industry if current trends continue!) willing to not only give her a break but even stick his neck out and give her another second chance! The guy is film producer Mark Fiore. Fiore doesn't have brain damage or anything - as far as I know - but he is the producer of Gotti Three Generations. For the 50% of the pop born after 1990 John Gotti was a Gambino Mafia boss (he allegedly knocked off Paul Castellano to get that gig, but no one was ever able to prove anything!) known as the Teflon Don for his knack of beating criminal convictions. He also liked $5000 suits and plenty of attention. In fact he was more interested in being a media star than in making money for the organization. He high profile antics brought a lot of heat specifically at him, and eventually brought him down and damaged his organization. It's another cautionary tale: even if crime pays fame might not.

Lindsay finds work despite economy!

Now Mark though Lindsay would be just great in his new mafia pic. Not only is she a fine little actress but she has some real life experience to bring to the role. Besides people might be interested in seeing whether she can pull it off. So if she doesn't screw up this thing might actually work out for everyone involved. So Lindsay got hired for the part of one of Gotti's daughters; maybe the one who went to work for the Star before getting into reality VT. I think she's Victoria.

Lohan's new friend is thrilled in not so many words

Lohan's possible involvement in some kind of actual movie has been kicking around for awhile but now it's picking up steam with confirmation from Fiore himself. MF recently told Radar that he's thrilled with Lohan. Well he didn't actually say thrilled. He was more understated. What he did say was that "She's very professional. People make mistakes. Look at other people in Hollywood." So this sounds promising. Further more the honey moon shows no signs of cooling off, since Fiore went onto say that he wanted Lohan to do another project for him, in addition to Gotti!

the future is a violent torpedo of truth, or maybe only a curve ball

This means that Lohan could be on the verge of some kind of long awaited career comeback! She's not only got a job, but the possibility of a working relationship with a producer. These working relationships are the basis of successful long term careers; like Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, Martin Scorsese and Robert Deniro, not to mention Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott! Up until about a year or so ago you could've added Megan Fox and Michael Bay to that all star list, but the recoil on Fox's hi caliber mouth finally deep sixed that! This means that to pass go and collect her $200 Lindsay just has to avoid any more colourful screw ups. Oh yeah and she also has to get past the Grand Jury! Her lawyers are currently asking the state what kind of jail time they might be thinking about - just in case of a worst case scenario! Should things turn sour for her, again, then there's always room on Charlie Sheen's Violent Torpedoes of Truth tour. I hear that he's desperate for a mascot ever since "dog napping terrorist" Denise Richards took her pug back!

Nic Cage gets arrested

Nic Cage is an interesting man: he named his son Kal El - after Superman, he's built a pyramid shaped mausoleum down in New Orleans that he hopes to one day be buried in, and he has an interest in conspiracy theories - which may have been the basis for a few of his films. He also as a volatile marriage. His marriage is what's got him in today's exciting post.

Seems Mr Cage was down in New Orleans with his wife - the lovely and talented Alice Kim. She would be the mother of Kal El I guess. Anyway Mr Cage was feeling no pain, and by that I mean he was inebriated. Sometimes when alcohol starts doing your thinking for you it also starts doing the talking. Sometimes it makes married men get a little brave with their wives too. Cage and Kim were having a difference of opinion, and since the alcohol was disagreeing with him too - he must have felt the 2 on 1 situation was a bit much. So Nicky got loud and mouthy!

Well with all the drunken shouting and hollering that was going on 2 of New Orleans finest pulled up. They've been on hi alert every since the Bog Easy became a disaster zone, and so the hullabaloo must've attracted their attention. Anyway they pull up and want to know what the fuck is going on. This changed the power dynamic of the situation from 2 on one to 4 on 1: Nic versus his wife, the booze and 2 cops for those of you keeping score. Naturally that's gonna make anyone defensive. especially if they're a little strange and drunk out of their mind. So Nic gets mouthy with the cops. Now anyone fresh of the back of a turnip truck could tell you that's a bad idea!

While every one is shouting and hollering like a pack of hillbillies with a bad case of moon shine poisoning Nic says those magic words "Well why don't you just go ahead and arrest me!" When it comes to slapping on the cuffs the boys in blue usually don't need any encouragement. In this case Nic's wish was their command. They had the bracelets on the lad, and him in the back of the squad car faster than you could say "TMZ". That lead to the following mug shot -to be added to that ever growing celebrity rogue's gallery:


It's quite a bit different from another mug shot, the one that launched his career in Raising Arizona - but that's the difference between movies and reality for you. Here's that other mug shot for some side by side comparison!



Those were happier times - he started out like Jeff Spicoli and wound up like Sean Penn; how ironic!

Anyway his wife has made a statement on the incident - sort of. She has insisted to cops and to the media that there was no domestic abuse involved. Nic never laid a finger on her. He was just being a jerk. She also isn't planning to press any charges. That's good cause Cage is already out on 11 000 bail. This is were it gets interesting. Just guess who bailed him out! That would be none other than celebrity bounty hunter Duane Chapman - better known to the world as Dog!

Dog has made a public statement to the effect that he will not be making any public statements about the Cage Affair. I think that he means he won't be making any more public statements. Then again nothing was ever strait forward in Hollywood. Things there don't make too much sense either! While keeping mum on the matter Dog went on to say that he is a huge and committed fan of Mr Cage. He also wants to remind the public that he is a consummate professional, and Mr Cage is his client. That means Mr Cage can count on him, unless Nicky makes a run for it or something. Dog does says that he doesn't think a bail skip is gonna be a problem in this case. With Nicky you can't be too sure though. No word on whether Starwhackers were involved in this incident. Maybe they have targeted Cage for getting to close to the truth through his amateur conspiracy work. If so I'm sure we'll be hearing about it in one of Cage's upcoming movies. That is assuming Cage doesn't do a bail skip and forcing Dog to put the smack down on him!

Kate Cracking?

With the anticipated royal Wedding moving up into hi gear everyone suddenly wants to know all sorts of things about Queen in waiting Kate Middleton. They want to know things like "is it true that her mother chewed gum in front of the Queen?" That is true and is a social faux pas even worse than touching the Queen's person - the gaff Michelle Obama will never live down. Michelle has been keeping a low profile these days since she can't turn around in public without getting lambasted by the media for wearing her shorts too tight or forgetting to have the sleeves attached to her blouse. Becoming a stay at home first lady is just so much easier when it allows you to avoid so much shit. As for Mrs. Middleton, she shows no signs of staying at home, except to run her online business for marketing bootleg Royal Wedding memorabilia! That's another big faux pas, and Middleton seems determined to go right on making them. Think of her as the Clinton's version of Billy Carter (things are about to get interesting for that family!), and set to turn the Royal Soap Opera in to an episode of Keeping Up Appearances!

Enough with the bad mother in law jokes and on to what Ms. Kate can bring to the table. Word has it, and by word I mean the usual tittle tattle, that has the anticipated day approaches she's driving her future husband, the future king, to distraction with some of her own irritating little habits. Habits like smoking. Kate has always enjoyed a cigarette, or a fag as he English call em. They helped keep her weight down in addition ot making her look stylish and sophisticated. Actually ciggies only made people look smart and sophisticated in 1940's era movie romances, usually starring Humphrey Bogart. Nowadays they're supposed to make celebrities seem edgy and a little dangerous - unless the Sheenius manages to kill the tobacco market. As for Kate, she liked the way they helped suppress her appetite and kept her weight under control.

Prince William isn't such a fan of the controversial product. In fact he things it's a filthy habit. This is something that he never tires of reminding his future bride about at every opportunity. Those opportunities are getting more frequent as the day approaches. Sources say that as the wedding day gets nearer, Kate's tobacco consumption increasing. The cause is stress. Middleton is getting so worked up about being a princess (who knew that could be such a bad break? You would, if you are a regular Wondertrash reader!) that she's resorting to the cancer sticks to help clam her nerves! This is in much the same way that her prospective mother in law whatever Camilla Bowles Parker has resorted to gin binges to deal with the trauma of being suddenly displaced in the royal pecking order by a little middle class upstart (Readers will recall that a little while back Wondertrash posted that Camilla had some sort of a break down after hearing that Middleton had been promoted above her in the Windsor hierarchy. This would officially require Camilla to courtesy to Kate. That was an indignity that Camilla couldn't bear. Plus it reminded her that she's never gonna be queen. So Camilla took to her private washroom with a gin bottle, and the bent her elbow with a drunken vengeance. Before the whole sorry episode was over Camilla was yelling at the walls. By the time staff found her she was out cold and in distress. So the Duchess had to be carted off to a top secret nut house where royals are housed when they temporarily loose their marbles. This happens from time to time, just the way Capt Kirk's ego would act up on Star Trek, so that he had to be declared unfit to command once or twice each season.).

Naturally this has observers, and other inquiring minds, asking whether the pressure is getting to the poor girl. The consensus seems to be a resounding "YES!" Let's face it, Princes of wales, eventually, is a tough gig. When reality sets in, probably about the same time as the press starts watching your every move and criticizing everything you do, it's bound to be a bit daunting. The Windsors, being the paragons of human sensitivity we've come to know then as through the movie The Queen, and through the struggles of the late Princess Diana, can be much support. Let's face it, they're about as warm and cuddle as a school of hungry piranhas!

The thing is that Kate's sudden pre wedding panic attack shouldn't come as much of a surprise. Kate watchers must've noticed that the young woman has been steadily losing weight for some time. Now she's down to the Posh Spice Beckham level of emaciation. Eating disorders are the usual way that young when nowadays deal with stress. that's especially true when the stress comes in the form of the pressure to be perfect, or at least not to have any obvious flaws. Princess Diana was pretty up front about her own struggles with anorexia during her time as a royal.

So the question is "will she make it?" At this stage in the game the poor kid doesn't have much of a choice. The invitations have already been sent out. Besides Hyacinth is already waiting for her freshly minted "mother of the queen" peerage to arrive in the mail. That opens all sorts of doors for an ambitious social climber ready to take hi society by storm - popping chewing gum and marketing t shirts every step of the way. So calling it off is off. Kate might make some half assed break for freedom - which didn't work for Diana - by maybe holding some surprise press conference to make some startling allegation that would disqualify her as future royalty except that she probably so monitored that she can't get out of the house these days without a retinue of minders keeping an eye on her while protecting her from the public. So she wouldn't even get a shot at some off the cuff outrage for the benefit of passers bys with cell cams. That means short of alien abduction, her fate is sealed. So what can you say except Carry On Queenie, and smoke em while you got em, till they come to take em away!