From Russia - fuck off!
Robert Downey Jr. recently made an emotional public appeal on behalf of beleaguered superstar Mel Gibson. In Downey’s words Gibson has “hugged the cactus long enough”. In Gibson’s case he not only hugged the cactus, but took it to bed and tried to screw it! On a personal level, the fall of the Iron Curtain was a catastrophe for Mr Gibson. However it might have been much worse. Had Glasnost not prevailed in ruining the society it was supposed to preserve, then Oksana Grigorieva might’ve fucked her way to the top of the Communist food chain. She would then have been in a position to wreck havoc on the entire world as some polit bureau big shot’s psychotic mistress:
A member of the Vodka Cabinet
“Go on and push the button like a man, or I’ll never sleep with you again. Besides I’ve made tape recordings of your many treasonous statements which I will release to your enemies unless you prove you’re a man for me by starting World War 3!”
“But I can’t! No one member of the inner circle can push the button. Each member has a key, and the launch sequence requires all the keys!”
“Excuses is all I ever get from you! If you were any kind of a real man then you would find a way!”
“My God this bitch is crazy but what can I do? She’s even hidden the key to the vodka cabinet so I can’t think this situation through clearly. It’s so bad that I spend the nights alone in the kitchen with the lights off, trying to squeeze the juice out of potatoes!”
Johnny English neat with no chaser
Fortunately Oksana never got to join the Vodka Cabinet, not even as some power jockey’s dangerously psychotic fuck. Had she then James Bond might not have stopped her. Especially with those hokey scripts that were getting written just prior to Daniel Craig revitalizing the franchise! They were the usual campy productions, only worse, and featured dialogue like such as:
“What’s this Q? Is safe sex the new MI5 policy? Politically erect you might say.”
“Don’t be trite 007. The outside of this condom is coated with truth serum - just in case you need to pump some one for information!”
That lead up to:
“So tell me Ms. Cunnitwat, what is Dr. Goatee’s plan for world domination. Remember you have to tell the truth because my condom is coated with truth serum - but why am I telling you this? Oh damn it, I put the thing on inside out!”
Evil is a fearful master, a dangerous servant, and the source of much bad entertainment!
Give 007 a break on the condoms. He’s not used to using them. However such a scenario just proves how useless he might have been against Oksana. In fact he was since the poor man - as Timothy Dalton - was involved with her for awhile! As for the Bond series, for a while it was endanger of becoming as bad as that family based sit com that was planned, several years ago, for Roseanne Barr and Sam Kinnison! Dr. Goatee did have an excellent side kick henchman though, in the form of a freakish heavy named Mr. Thug. Thug was the mutant offspring of a long line of genetically engineered clones bred to serve evil. Though the script bombed, Thug eventually did find employment with Dick Cheney!
So things might have worked out very differently. Then again, if things were different they wouldn’t be the same. Like if Homer Simpson had been trying to write “Disco Dude” on his jacket instead of “Disco Stud” then Disco Stu would be Disco Dud. Think about it!
Matinee at the Bijou
Makes you stop and think doesn’t it? Like the way Tony Curtis got into the movies. He stumbled into the business when the Bowery Boys chased him into a local theater. Back then he was Bernie Schwartz and the boys would chase him through the streets trying to catch him and beat him up. The local theater was a perfect hideout because they’d show 5 features back to back for 11 cents admission. So the Boys couldn’t follow him in because it was the Depression and they couldn’t come up with 11 cents between them. 6 cents was as close as they could come, not including Snatch’s wooden nickle - which only made Slip curse him as a “maroon” and beat him mercilessly over the head with his cap! The point is that you never know where life is gonna take you, so hang in there, Mel. Right now it’s gonna take you to the theater, with our Wondertrash Goes to the Movies weekend feature. So sit back and enjoy the following public domain offering!
