Another example of a conspiracy group might be PETA - though they might be closer in nature to Al Qaeda than the mafia. They’re far from a ‘secret’ society, but they are an organized group directed to a common purpose. In their case no one is sure what the purpose is: protection of animal rights, or radical fund raising through Andy Kaufman type media stunts. Some of their more outrageous antics included hitting fur wearing celebrities with sacks of flour - they’ve nailed a number of super models and even Lindsay Lohan, though in Lindsay’s case she wasn’t sober enough to know what was happening, and marketing George Clooney flavored tofu!
This brings us to their latest stunt. PETA is apparently taking on comedian Gallagher. “Now what could anyone have against Gallagher?” you might ask, if you haven’t seen his act. PETA is upset about the violence directed against helpless produce. Produce like those watermelons he regularly smashes up during his stage routines. Oh yeah and he’s also done the job on a number of pumpkins.
Stop the insanity!
Now fruit and veg might be outside their usual mandate. They usually focus higher up the evolutionary scale. However with more and more people shifting to vegan PETA feels that the time might be right to take non animal life under their protective umbrella. Not that they want to ban people from eating fruit & veg. With vast sections of the food chain disappearing from the menu in the name of trendy political correctness you have to make some allowances. People have to eat. It’s the nature of life on earth! PETA’s plans to switch people to a diet of recycled paper are only rumours - so far!
It’s just that PETA objects to the way we handle fruit & veg. Like Gallagher causing unnecessary distress to those watermelons by smashing them up for the sake of a few cheap laughs. By focussing people on this issue PETA hopes that they can be made more aware of the way they treat earth’s various life forms - which should never be abused for the sake of entertainment! To that end they’ve put Gallagher in their political cross hairs.
It’s not just Gallagher, though. PETA has some sweeping vegetable awareness plans in the works. They’re mounting a pressure campaign to ban food fight scenes from movies, and eventually high school cafeterias. Throwing all that food around is just crass. They’re also planning to lobby McDonald’s to stop frying french fries. This isn’t because frying is unhealthy, but because they feel dipping a potato in boiling oil, after it has already given up it’s life in the name of a happy meal, is cruel. They also want to get the Mr. Potato Head game taken off the market. It encourages children in wrong attitudes, and consequently bad habits.
This is probably a big build up to their upcoming Hallowe’en hullabaloo. PETA is planning to promote their new veg policy with a campaign to save the jack o lantern. PETA objects to the use of pumpkins as Hallowe’en decorations because the pumpkins aren’t used as food but as decorations - like fur bearing animals that are skinned for fashion. Their guts are scooped out and thrown away. Then they are further mutilated by having eyes holes and funny mouths carved into them. If you were a pumpkin would you want that to happen to you?
So they intend to discourage the use of jack o lanterns. They had planned to offer children plastic pumpkin replacements for the holiday. Then their plastic pumpkins got recalled after large amounts of melamine were found in them. So now they plan to mount a city by city campaign in which PETA volunteers will snatch the jack o lanterns away from children, while lecturing their parents. In case you’re asking yourself how they plan to get a way with it, be warned that PETA volunteers on pumpkin detail will be armed with mace!
DISCLAIMER: The above is total bullshit - except for the part about J Edgar Hoover and the dress. As far as I know PETA has no plans to ban food fights in movies or high schools. Nor do they have a large scale military type campaign planned against American trick or treaters. As far as I know they don’t even plan to take on Gallagher, though his career could probably use the boost. Hopefully there’ll be some more really juicy celebrity gossip soon. If not I’ll continue making stuff up. However fictional gossip has value, too. Just because the above piece was made up doesn’t lessen the point - that there’s no excuse for certain forms of entertainment! So stay focused on what’s important - that prop comedy is disturbing and must be stopped by any means possible!
